Reflections

Dearest mommy.

It has been two years today since you passed on to non-physical and into the spirit world where your beautiful soul is free from disease and you are free to be the beautiful soul that gave me life, raised me and taught me unconditional love.

I was a firm believer in faith in the universe, hope, optimism, forgiveness, and love at the time of your passing. I was solid, pretty Zen to the best of my ability and really believed that if I put my mind to anything, I could achieve it. I had made peace with my past, my guilt in any choices I had made, I had made amends. I remember how you would say to me I love you and I’m so proud of you. I remember that feeling so well.

I believed you were with me. I bought a little African violet and named her after you. She flourished and thrived for the first year and a half. She is now not doing so well. Ironically, I am not at my best either.

Don’t get me wrong mommy, I have a lot to be grateful for. I have three beautiful grandsons now. Gabriel, you did not get to meet him here physically, but I am certain you know him and love him. He is a very strong little boy. I call him my angel. You always loved angels and Gabriel was one of the angels, from what I recall.

After you passed, our family got closer. We are loving and supportive. I no longer use the word step sister or step dad. Everyone loves our get together. The family threw me a surprise party for my 50^th birthday. I missed it though. I was very tried and under the weather. I thought the party was for Claude. They gave me my gift at Christmas. They made an album of my life. The cover photo is one of your favorites. When I look at her, I am sad because I am not sure who I am anymore.

Since you passed, nothing is the same. Everything has changed. All my blessings come with some form of reminder of something that hurts. It is difficult for me to remain strong like I used to be. I feel weak, tired, guilty, and not good enough. Then there are days when I feel stronger and more self-confident. It is like a roller coaster ride. I have always loved a challenge. I guess the Universe thought it would give me a whole bunch at once. I don’t know what it was thinking. I know that every challenge makes me grow. I believe that. However lately I am tired and having a hard time seeing the opportunities. I know they are there. My therapist says I am in adaptability boot-camp and doing quite well under the circumstances. I will be stronger on the other side of this. I have to believe I can get through this.

I was just wondering if you are aware and if you know what is going on. I wish I had your insight. I know you are in my heart. I know you would never hurt me and I know you always support me. But sometimes I wonder how come this is happening. I also believed that Life is not happening to me but responding to me. I am confused. What am I not getting? So I just hold on stay strong and keep going, hoping I will get the lesson. I am willing and open minded enough to believe.

I used to think I was the architect of my own reality. My faith has weakened in this regard. I don’t know what I did to create this. I really don’t. So I ask for your guidance.

You see nothing is the same since you passed. Jades dad died unexpectedly as they were getting closer. Then Jade did not manage the grief so well and turned to hard drugs. Then my family fell apart although I have all three kids now and trying to keep it together. I had a wonderful colleague at work who helped me find a school for Aidan. He has been a wonderful friend. A good man, like Claude, Martin and Daniel. Despite that, I burned out at work and was diagnosed with depression. My relationship with Jerry is not the same. He did not handle his grief over her illness and death well. I can empathize with that. He did his best to be supportive though. She loved and admired you so much. I hope you guys get together wherever you are.

Ironically, when I returned to work, things went really well. Then Gabriel was born prematurely and work was supportive and wonderful. They now have my loyalty instead of my resentment. I am grateful for my work and career. Although I worry that I have chosen to put it on hold for now. The boys are all blessings and I am grateful but then I remember why I have them and I feel sad, and resent my own reality. It is like a contradiction. Gabriel is the best baby I have ever seen. He is amazing and smiles and giggles a lot. We have giggling fits. I think to myself how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him here. Then I remember why.

I no longer go to meetings. I feel gratitude for those meetings and how they helped me. Then I recall how I brought Jade to them. How I thought I did the right thing. Then she met AJ and had children and now they are both suffering. If I had not done those things, maybe Jade would be ok? I thought I had resolved my guilt and my past. I really thought I had succeeded. Maybe this is why this is happening? I even went to a meeting recently and shared these exact feelings of resentment and judgement. All of which are hurting me and I am very aware of it.

Then if jade had not met AJ we would not have three beautiful boys. It is useless to have these thoughts. But they are there. I was told to just accept them and decide how much energy to give them.

Every day is like this. I was lucky to find a family doctor and a wonderful therapist. They have helped me immensely. I always think you are behind every nice thing that happens. I know you are watching over us. Which is why I feel so bad that I am not happier or clearer on what the hell happened to my life and why I am still medically depressed. I am grateful for my medical leave. It gives me time to adapt to my routine with the boys and indirectly help Jade. See? Everything has an opposite. Is that the message?

Everything in life is relative and I should stop defining things as good or bad? Just let things be as they are? Because I am very invested and emotional about this. My family is my heart. It is at my very core. My relationships matter to me. Everything that matters to me is affected. Then I think to myself, things can only get better. The last two years have taught me to be careful with that statement. Things do and then another shift in my ground happens. Adaptability boot-camp.

I make gratitude lists often in my head. It helps but less than it did before. I used to look at Tessie, your African violet and talk. Now she too is not doing well. I pray for her to live and go back to her former beauty. I feel I have failed my plant and you. I feel it is a sign. I am afraid.

I wish I was the person you were proud of before. I feel ashamed to say that I am tired of this. I have given up a lot and lost a lot in the last two years. Yet I have gained precious little ones and have amazing people in my life. I feel ashamed I am even complaining because I do have a lot. My health, well not so much mentally, is still intact. I am still strong-ish. But not like before. I no longer meditate, or work out. This is the first time I have written in months. I miss those times. I miss my motivation to do all these things. I recently did some work with photography. That was a fun project. I miss living in the present moment and remembering how to do that. I miss breathing deeply because I loved it, whereas now I find myself doing it to prevent anxiety or anger from flooding over me. I know I allow these things. It is precisely for these reasons that I resent myself. I have allowed myself to resent, judge and resist my own reality. Before I used to get angry and it would motivate me. Now I am just angry, resentful and judgmental and work hard every day to change how I feel. I tell myself it is not the load you have but how you carry it. You cannot control others or anything but you can control your reaction. I feel like I am failing on all counts inside.

Outside, I do everything I can for the boys. I have a solid routine. I love them and tell them and show them every day. Gabriel is doing very well. I am in therapy with Aidan and seeing the benefits to our relationship as it too changed since he lives with me. William is also thriving in daycare. At the same time, I am also dealing with people I find difficult, like Youth protection. They are judgmental and some people undermine me thinking they are helping the boys. It is true what they say about judgment- point one finger at someone and three are pointed back at you (from different sources). Looking at myself in the mirror and realizing all this is humbling. One thing I am proud of is that I have not stooped to low levels. I have not behaved in duplicitous or dishonest ways. I have been honest and transparent as best I can. Ironically I was told that being too honest is not the best thing in these circumstances. Lesson learned. Again, contradictions.

Another wonderful thing is I reconnected with Chantal. She was my friend for years. She catered our Christmas party one year. Do you remember? Well we had lost touch for a few years but we reconnected. She is very supportive and helps me with the boys. I am grateful to have her back in my life.

I have managed to meet expenses fairly well. I have gotten some help from Claude for lawyers I never thought I would need. One example is that I found an apartment with three bedrooms that is bigger than my current home. I love it here and always have but it is too small for all of us now. I think you had a hand in that. It is affordable and Aidan can stay in the same school. The owner even came to my house to sign the lease when she found out I have three boys. Then she allowed me to keep my cat. I told her the cat adopted us and we her. She said I had been through enough changes in my life and allowed me to keep the cat. I see that things do work out for me. It feels good to have that spark of belief back in that sentence.

I see the blessings I have in my life. I really do. I just miss the clarity and alignment I used to feel. I remind myself every day of what Claude said to me:

1. Do not let others destroy you
2. You take after your mother
3. Hold your head high and keep doing what you are doing
4. With grace and class, remain steady and everything will work out in the end. In other words when people go low we stay high.

He also says «Worry pas», so I try and remember that too, to the best of my ability. I was told by a couple of people that I am fragile. My doctor said an airplane is fragile in a hurricane. Good analogy. I try to remember that one too.

One day the storm will pass. I will come through the other side stronger and with clarity. I will get my footing back, be solid and Zen again. Resilience will be my middle name. I will accept and stop resisting life as it is. I will hold on to those slices of joy that life gives me every day and disregard the things I do not appreciate so much as a bump in the road. I have always loved rocks so I will try to look at these things I do not like as rocks. Instead of tripping on them I will collect them.  I will tell a new story. I will do my best because I am willing. One thing I was told I do well now is ask for help. I think you might be proud of me for that one. It is because of you that I am able to accept help today. I will try to listen in silence for your guidance.

So on this day on the 2^nd anniversary of your passing, I wanted to write to you even though I know you are in my heart and know all of this already. I also wanted to thank you for the strength you have given me. I believe it is because of you that I am able to take care of three boys under the age of 6. I believe it is your unconditional love for us, me that has enabled me to do all things with love to the best of my ability. I remember your grace, class and strength and I try to embody you. So for all this I am grateful. Because you were such a beautiful gift in my life is the reason why today is sad. I miss you and would give anything to hear your voice one more time. To talk to you and hug you and feel like everything will be okay. I see you in William’s eyes. I think he has your eyes. Gabriel has toes that are exactly like yours. It is so cute. Aidan is strong willed like you. Jade is creative and artistic like you. I will try to see you in my life because you are love. You never gave up hope for us and I will do my best to keep hope alive in my heart too.  If I do that, I should be just fine. I love you mommy.