Children: The best teachers

Children: We have children and feel that we are responsible to teach them discipline and help them become the best version of themselves they can be. I love mine so much and I feel that it is my responsibility to do this. When I had my daughter, I vowed to be kind, love her unconditionally, as my mom did with me. I wanted to teach her to be responsible and disciplined like my father taught me. I also did not want to use corporal punishment but rather be different in how I implemented rules and responsibilities in our home.

Times have changed since then. Rules are now expectations. Discipline is more teaching and we have terms like authoritarian (the old way) versus Authoritative (the more balanced way or permissive (no boundaries). I find myself now with four grandchildren under my care. I am their primary guardian and have taken this responsibility very seriously. I am always worried about their future. How I want to raise responsible men who will be responsible and treat women properly and my granddaughter I hope to teach her self confidence and self worth. I want them all to have boundaries and absolutely know they are loved unconditionally and they have value, they are valued and worthy.

Given my intentions for their future, it is not a surprise that I find myself extremely concerned when expectations are not respected, they don<t do their homework or resist bedtime routine, hygiene routines, they fight, they don’t listen, can be rude. Yell and scream….etc…..etc….. I immediately hear shark music in my head “oh no they will be irresponsible adults with no discipline, or they will treat others this way or if they can talk to me that way how will they talk to other girls, or women on and on as the scary story goes. I then get angry. At times I raise my voice, other times I walk away and say “I need a minute!” I want to teach them emotional regulation, how to manage anxiety, anger etc….

I have support. We have an educator and a social worker. I took parenting workshops, mini online courses and integrated the concepts into our house values and house expectations with natural consequences, versus punishment and indicated which value is met by each. I presented this to the educator. She agreed. It all sounds perfect. 

The problem is that I am focused on the fruit. I have all these plans and think where is the tomato? As soon as things do not go as planned, intended, or desired, I am looking for fruit thinking the plant is dead, it will never grow tomatoes and I am doing something wrong. Then I over fertilize my plant – fertilizer is poop or other residual elements that help feed the plant. Too Much is not good. That is my analogy for yelling. Or rather raising my voice for anything other than something that is a danger to their health. 

In other words, I have come to realize that my stress, and IMPATIENCE come from my fear for their future, rather than focusing on right now. Kids will be kids. They will do everything I listed above. It is part of life. Just because they do these things is no indicator of the future. I have instilled these values in the home, and like a plant, the seeds are planted but I cannot expect fruit. It takes time – PATIENCE. Rather than be so focused on the fruit, [perhaps I should focus on the present moment and chill rather than raise my voice out of my own fears and impatience. How can I teach them to regulate or calm down, if I myself get caught up and carried away? 

This is why kids are the best teachers. I vow to myself that I will be their teacher but I give them full credit for being mine. I have been trying to cultivate patience and implemented a meditation practice to help with exactly that. I am seeing improvement. But life is funny. It always shows me something or somewhere I need to grow. In my life, my children are my guideposts. If I can remain calm in the chaos, I will be a much better teacher for them. That is my goal. Not the result but to plant that intention and act upon that, in the present moment. I cannot step into the future to control it. Nor can I go back into the past and change what has happened to them nor the time I raised my voice. I can practice my intention each present  moment though, and see how that goes.