CROSSROADS

When I was a younger adult, I had my daughter and found myself raising her alone. I was “just a waitress” according to some people. I worked in a steakhouse that served mainly business clientele. I believed that these people were educated, successful and respected. I knew I wanted to go back to school and finish my education. When my daughter turned 3 years old, I did exactly that. I enrolled in a college such that I could get the education required to get into McGill University and get my bachelor’s degree in commerce. I wanted to be someone my daughter would be proud of, a professional, a woman with a respectable, stable, solid career.

An accounting professor had advised us first-year students to pick a major we loved or that we found easy to do. In high school, accounting classes were always easy for me, and I could get a professional designation. I figured this was the way to go. I graduated from McGill University and was hired by a big four accounting firm. I got my CPA-CA professional designation. I felt that I had succeeded in my goal. I was now an educated professional working in one of the top accounting firms.

At that time, I was required to work 2000 hours in the Audit practice in order to obtain my CPA designation. In all honesty, I did not enjoy the work. I recall wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into working in this field. I did enjoy the people and the clients and learning about many different business industries and processes. I found things to enjoy and motivate me.

Once I had received my designation, three years later, I discovered I could transfer out of Audit and into the Advisory service department at my firm. I met with the partner and was accepted into his group. Here I could serve multiple clients from different industries in addition to providing advisory services and help the client. This was different from audit where we would find issues and could not really provide much advice to maintain independence. I felt I could help people here in Risk advisory. I learned a lot in my 14 years in this department.

My 19-year career at this accounting firm has provided me with so much stability, multiple learning opportunities, and travel. I have worked with many talented wonderful people. I acknowledge that and I am very grateful for it. Clients appreciated me and my work, as I appreciated them AND it was always a challenge to be who the people at my firm wanted me to be, to meet their expectations and to prove myself good enough.

This year I took a Meditation teacher training at the Davidji meditation academy. Initially I had taken the course for personal reasons. I wanted to have a stable meditation practice and become calmer, patient and equanimous. I wanted to be a better version of myself for my kids. I graduated in May and have noticed so many improvements in myself. I adore the principles and practices I learned from this course.  I became interested in teaching meditation to children, and adults who need help with the many stresses of life. I find myself conflicted again between what Iove and my career at the firm. This time I have the benefit of time. I do not need to decide based on urgency.

I attended a teacher’s retreat in June and a couple of people told me I already had everything I needed to start teaching. I took the summer off this year as I have since I became caregiver to my grandchildren. I thought I would have more clarity or at least a plan of how to start teaching and starting this new business. I feel uncertain, afraid and I have the imposter syndrome. This is entirely normal when venturing out into the unknown. I want to be careful and do things right. I often talk to the Universe and ask it for signs and patiently wait for answers that come from within. During a recent teachers webinar, a few people had left their corporate jobs and did not regret it. My teacher spoke of how he went through a similar change many years ago. The whole webinar seemed to be about the very crossroad I currently find myself.

About six years ago, my personal and professional life were in competition for my time and effort, and I found myself very stressed and burned out. My priorities had shifted because I chose to take my grandchildren into my care. There was no time for reflections or waiting for clarity. It was a crossroad with a red light – It was urgent.  It is hard work and yes, I do feel overwhelmed sometimes. This is not because I do not want them or feel put out. It is because I want to do right by them, be a good parent/caregiver. Yes, I could continue working at the firm, many people  can do both, many people do. AND in all honesty, I am at a point in my life where I no longer love what I do at the firm. I do not feel I fit into the culture, and I am tired of being something I am not or to prove myself anymore.

I do however feel very motivated by and love teaching meditation and life skills that I believe should be taught in every school and to adults alike. My teacher suggested we theme our months at the beginning of the webinar. I had the word “Courage” pop into my head. I am slated to return to work on September 3, 2024. A fellow teacher is giving her notice at her corporate job on that day. I think I have the answers I need. I can patiently wait see how this situation plays out. I do have the patience to wait until my mud settles and the water runs clear. All I need now is the courage to do what needs to be done.