Do any of these sound familiar?
You snap at your kids even though you don’t want to. You zone out in meetings, barely hearing what’s being said. It’s 2 AM, and you lie awake, exhausted but unable to sleep. Your mind is running through tomorrow’s to-do list for the third time.
And you think: What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I just… calm down?
Why does everyone else seem to handle this better?
Here’s what I need you to hear:
Nothing is wrong with you.
Your nervous system is responding exactly as it was designed to.
And the calm you see in other people? It’s not a personality trait they were born with.
It’s a skill they learned.
Which means you can learn it too.
The Myth We’ve All Believed
We’ve been taught to think of calm as something you either have or don’t.
Some people are “naturally chill.” They don’t get stressed. They don’t react. They glide through chaos like it’s nothing. And the rest of us? We’re just… wired differently. Too sensitive. Too reactive. Too much.
That’s the story we tell ourselves.
But it’s not true. Calm isn’t a fixed trait. It’s not something you’re born with or without.
It’s a nervous system skill.
And like any skill—playing piano, cooking, speaking a second language—it can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time. The reason some people seem calm isn’t that they don’t experience stress.
It’s because their nervous system has learned how to regulate through it.
And yours can too.
What’s Actually Happening When You “Can’t Calm Down”
I’ve lived all three of these. Maybe you have too.
The Morning Rush
You wake up already behind. There’s breakfast to make, lunches to pack, and emails you didn’t finish yesterday. Your body is tense. Your jaw is clenched. Your breath is shallow.
One of your kids can’t find their shoes. The other is crying about something you don’t have time to address. Your partner asks you a question, and you snap—harder than you meant to.
Later, you feel terrible. Why did I react like that? They didn’t deserve it.
The Work Meeting
You’re in a Zoom call. Someone is talking, but you’re not really hearing them.
Your mind is three steps ahead. It is planning and anticipating. You worry about the thing you forgot to do, the email you need to send, and the deadline that’s looming.
You nod. You say “Sounds good.” But you’re not actually present.
Later, you realize you have no idea what was decided. And you feel embarrassed. I should be able to focus. Why can’t I just pay attention?
The Sleepless Night
You’re exhausted. You finally get into bed.
And your mind turns on like a switch. Tomorrow’s schedule. The conversation you had today that didn’t go well. The thing you said that came out wrong. The email you need to send first thing in the morning.
Your body is tired, but your brain won’t stop. You try deep breathing—but you’re forcing it, counting desperately, willing yourself to calm down. You try ‘not thinking about it’—which, of course, makes you think about it more.
And nothing shifts. Your nervous system is highly activated. Trying harder to relax only adds more pressure. It overwhelms the system.
At 2 AM, you’re still awake, now anxious about not sleeping, which makes it even harder to sleep. And in the morning, you’re exhausted, frustrated, and convinced something is wrong with you.
Here’s What’s Actually Happening
Your nervous system is stuck in protection mode.
And it’s because your nervous system is doing exactly what it evolved to do: keep you safe.
When your nervous system perceives a threat, it activates. Thousands of years ago, that threat was physical. A predator. Danger you could see and run from.
Your fight-flight-freeze response evolved to keep you alive in those moments.
But here’s what’s changed: your nervous system hasn’t evolved as fast as your life has.
Today, the threats you face aren’t physical—they’re psychological.
An overdue email. A tense conversation. The fear of disappointing someone. The pressure to have it all together. The worry about what someone thinks of you.
These aren’t tigers. But to your nervous system, they register the same way.
Because your nervous system doesn’t evaluate whether a threat is “real” or “reasonable.” It responds to how your mind perceives danger.
And when your mind perceives threat—even psychological, even social, even imagined—your body responds as if you need to run, fight, or freeze to survive.
This is why your heart races before a difficult conversation.
This is why your stomach knots when you think about something you need to do.
This is why you can’t think clearly when you’re anxious—because your system is in survival mode, not clarity mode.
Your heart rate increases. Your muscles tense. Your breath quickens. Your mind goes into overdrive, scanning for problems, planning for worst-case scenarios, trying to stay one step ahead.
This is survival mode.
So when you’re juggling too many things, when you’re worried about disappointing someone, when you’re replaying a conversation that didn’t go well, your body responds as if you’re in danger.
And when your nervous system is in protection mode, calm isn’t accessible.
Not because you’re not trying hard enough.
Because your system hasn’t been signaled that it’s safe to relax.
Why “Just Calm Down” Doesn’t Work
If you’ve ever been told to “just relax” or “don’t stress about it,” you know how unhelpful that is. Because if you could just calm down, you would.
The problem is, calm isn’t a choice you make with your thinking brain. It’s a state your nervous system has to feel safe enough to access. You can’t think your way into calm when your body is signaling danger. You can’t force relaxation when your system is braced for threat.
This is why willpower doesn’t work.
This is why “trying harder” makes it worse.
Because the effort to calm down—the strain, the self-criticism, the frustration—adds more stress to an already activated system.
It’s like trying to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it.
So What Actually Works?
Here’s what changed everything for me:
I stopped trying to be calm. And I started learning how to regulate my nervous system.
There’s a difference.
Trying to be calm is about controlling your feelings, suppressing your reactions, forcing yourself to relax.
Regulating your nervous system is about teaching your body that it’s safe.
It’s about providing your system with the signals it needs. These signals help shift out of protection mode. They enable your system to enter a state where calm is actually possible.
And those signals aren’t intellectual. They’re physiological.
Your nervous system speaks the language of the body, not the mind.
Which means:
- Deep breathing works. This is not because you’re “thinking positive.” It works because slow exhales activate the vagus nerve. They signal safety to your system.
- Grounding works. It’s not because you’re “being mindful.” It works because feeling your body in space tells your nervous system you’re not in freefall.
- Pausing works—not because you’re “being calm,” but because creating space between stimulus and response gives your system time to recalibrate.
Calm isn’t something you force. It’s something you create the conditions for.
And those conditions are learnable.
Try This Right Now
Before we go further, let’s practice this together. Wherever you are right now, try this:
1. Notice your breath
Don’t change it. Just notice. Is it shallow? Fast? Held?
2. Place one hand on your heart, one on your belly
Feel the weight of your hands. The warmth.
3. Take one slow breath
Breathe in through your nose for 4 counts.
Pause at the top for 2 counts.
Breathe out through your mouth for 6 counts or longer.
Repeat as needed
4. Notice what shifted
Did your shoulders drop even slightly?
Did your jaw unclench?
Did something soften?
That’s your nervous system responding to the signal of safety.
You just regulated. In 30 seconds. That’s what we’re talking about. Not forcing calm, rather creating the conditions for it.
Calm is a Practice
Here’s what I wish someone had told me years ago:
Your nervous system is adaptive.
Which means it can learn. If your nervous system has learned to be on high alert, scanning for threats, and bracing for the next thing, it stays one step ahead. It can also learn to feel safe. It can also learn to feel safe.
If your system has learned that stress is constant and rest is dangerous, it can also learn that pausing is productive. Stillness is safe.
This isn’t about positive thinking. It’s not about affirmations or “choosing calm.”
It’s about training your nervous system through consistent, compassionate practice.
The same way you’d train your body to run a 5K or your brain to learn a new language.
You practice. You notice. You adjust. You practice again. And over time, regulation becomes more accessible. Calm becomes more familiar. Your system begins to trust that safety is possible.
Not because you’re forcing it. Because you’re teaching it.
Where Meditation Comes In
This is where meditation becomes powerful. It is not a tool to “empty your mind” or “stop thinking.” Instead, it is a practice that trains your nervous system to regulate. When you sit in meditation, you’re not trying to be calm.
You’re practicing noticing when your system activates—and gently guiding it back to regulation.
You notice your breath is shallow. You deepen it.
You notice your body is tense. You soften it.
You notice your mind is spinning. You bring it back to the present.
Over and over. Without judgment. Without force.
This is a nervous system reset.
The more you practice noticing activation in meditation, the more accessible that skill becomes. Returning to regulation in meditation makes this easier in real life.
When your kid can’t find their shoes, and you feel that tension rising—you recognize it. You take a breath. You respond instead of react.
When you’re in a meeting, and your mind starts to wander, you notice. You ground. You come back.
When you’re lying awake at 2 AM, you don’t fight it. You soften. You breathe. You give your system the signal that it’s okay to rest.
And when your system learns to regulate, something else becomes accessible: clarity.
Not because you’re trying to figure it out, but because calm creates the conditions where you can finally hear yourself.
Calm isn’t about never feeling stress. It’s about knowing how to come back to yourself when you do.
And that skill? It’s trainable.
What This Means for You
If you’ve been beating yourself up for not being calm enough, for reacting when you didn’t want to, for lying awake when you’re exhausted –
You can stop.
Your nervous system is just doing what it was designed to do. And now that you understand what’s happening, you can learn how to work with it.
Regulation begins with awareness, not effort. You don’t have to try harder. You don’t have to force yourself to be someone you’re not. You just have to start paying attention to what your nervous system needs.
And then give it the signals—through breath, through grounding, through presence—that safety is here.
Calm will follow.
Not because you demanded it. Because you created the conditions for it.
My coach Alyssa once told me: “If you want to go fast, slow down.”
It sounds paradoxical. But it’s true. When you’re not running on stress and survival, you can actually hear yourself. You can feel what’s true. You can see what matters.
Slowing down—regulating your nervous system—is what creates the space for clarity to emerge. And from that clarity, right action becomes possible.
A Small Invitation
If this resonates with you, know you’re not alone. Learning to regulate your nervous system is a practice—one that I continue every day. And if you’d like simple, practical tools to support this work, I share them weekly in my newsletter.
Not overwhelming. Not complicated. Just grounded practices you can actually use.
You can join here: Join my newsletter and grab your free Year of Intentions
You’re learning a skill you were never taught. And it’s never too late to start.
Myriam Gareau is a Certified Meditation Teacher and Coach. She is the author of Holistic Vagus Nerve Reset and Inner Child Freedom. Her upcoming works include Calm Parent Reset and The Space Between. Through her Release, Reset, Rise methodology, she helps people release blocks and limiting beliefs. She also helps them reset their mindset and nervous system. They then rise into aligned action and authentic purpose.
Discover more from Reflections
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Reflections 