I have been wondering lately why I prefer to just stay home after work and even on weekends. Sometimes I do not even feel like talking, not even on the phone. I just feel like preserving my energy. I feel perfectly fine and healthy. I am relatively happy. There is nothing wrong. I just do not feel like « doing anything ».
There are many things I could do, I suppose, such as going out, going to a movie, and meeting friends for a coffee, to talk. I could go visit family or call people. I could volunteer somewhere. I could be more active and go to a gym. I could be doing what I am told and have read I should be doing. I also have read what I should not be doing. I should not be watching TV, or movies I should not isolate. I should not be inactive. I should not be this, that or the other.
I feel as though I interact with a lot of the outside world every day from the moment I leave my house to go to work, at work and back home from work. The best part of my morning is when I wake up and there is silence. I have a glass of water, and then a coffee. I can either just sit in thought or look at some quotes or read something of interest to me.
Another great part of my morning is my walk to the metro station. I enjoy that. There are people out and about, there are birds and I enjoy the trees, the ones on the street or in the yards, as I make my way to the metro station.
There is always a person at the door trying to hand out the newspaper, which I always decline while saying “No Thank you, Have a nice day”. In French it is “Non merci, bonne journée.” (French lesson for the day) I do not mind the crowds in the metro train. I suppose that indicates I have no fear of people. I often just close my eyes in the train, and just breathe. I like that too. There is so much advertising and there are TVs everywhere showing the news. Perhaps that is why, just closing my eyes, when I can, feels good. Of course, I open them when I am walking, otherwise that could be an issue.
At work I am with people, talking to people, planning, attending meetings, presenting reports, observations and recommendations and writing reports. I am involved with people on a day-to-day basis, learning about this operation, process or regulation that impacts this company or that one. Small or large. Public or private. I enjoy work sessions with my colleagues. I enjoy brainstorming, collaborating, listening to their insights, knowledge, how other people approach an issue. From this I deduce that I have no issues with people, or the differences in how we think. I learn from that.
I love my family and friends too. I enjoy spending time with them. This bring me back to my reflection on why do I feel like being alone? Why do I feel like I need to explain this to myself or even justify it?
Perhaps, upon reflection, I have some inner belief that I should be doing something other than what I am doing. Maybe, I am starting to appreciate not having to go somewhere all the time. Maybe I am learning to relax, and I am not very experienced at this, so perhaps I do not know what that means. As someone who always needed to be out and surrounded by people, I am not sure of this place I am in. Ironically, when I was always out and surrounded by people, I was very lonely. I could not stand being in my own skin. Now I can and do. As someone who did not enjoy TV, and did not have time for it in the past, I have found a few TV series that I enjoy. They are older ones, but there is a new one I like. I have been told TV is mindless programming, but sometimes I feel like I enjoy somebody else’s story to watch. It is like pretend time for me. Sometimes it helps put a break in my own thoughts. Meditation does too, I have been told and experienced that for myself. However, lately I find myself enjoying watching old shows or movies, especially because there are no commercials. The idea of walking to the market, buying ingredients to make dinner and watching something appeals to me. The idea of doing “nothing” speaks to me. But I wonder if I am letting life pass me by, or if I am lazy or even selfish. Am I really just learning to chill out and take care of me? What will people think? Uh-oh.
I have been hard on myself in the past. I took pride in multi-tasking, working hard, meeting demands, meeting deadlines, working, studying, and taking care of my daughter. I have found that my love for my family has grown exponentially over the last 5 years. Spending time with them became precious to me. Maybe I feel like there is not enough time for myself? Maybe that is why I feel like “doing nothing.” What if I am learning how to “be” instead of “what I am supposed to do”? What if there is nothing wrong with being home and doing nothing because I am happy the way I am? What if I am not lazy but learning to just be? What if I am re-evaluating what I “should be” doing with what I feel like doing? What if it does not really matter what other people think or what society says I should be doing? What if it is just that time of year and everything is fine? What if it is okay to be okay with myself without having to do anything to prove it to myself or anyone else? What if I am just allowing myself to be myself? Allowing. I like that.
What if I am just in a period of transformation? I have dreams, and goals I wish to achieve, long-term and short-term. I have love for all the people in my life. I feel appreciation on a daily basis and I have little to no complaints. Yes of course I would love to be travelling the world on a sailboat but this is not a complaint about my present situation, this is a dream and I love that one. I clearly have not given up. Far from that.
Perhaps, I am just in retreat mode. Maybe I am selfish, and maybe, just maybe, that is okay too. Maybe I am not the only one. I would like to think that maybe I am reflecting in my cocoon for the moment, when I can be, like a caterpillar, and when I am ready, I can re-emerge into a renewed butterfly. Perhaps I am brewing. Yes brewing. Maybe, like a coffee bean, I am just percolating. Actually, I have just reflected myself into remembering the story about the coffee bean. Look it up on Google. It is insightful.
Well that is my reflection for the week. There is snow in the forecast which supports me staying home this weekend. Although, I think I will go for walks outside, let snowflakes fall on my tongue and take pictures of the canal, tress and various structures dressed up and decorated in snow. When you have nowhere to go there is something enchanting about snow-covered structures and trees. It is like a snow globe and dazzlious. (From the movie Snow cake).