Let it go

She was diagnosed with a burn out and major depression on February 15^th 2018. During her leave from work she had taken the temporary care of her two grandsons. She followed her treatment plan to the best of her ability. For anyone feeling depressed, here is the treatment plan as follows:

1. Go to the therapist once per week
2. Meditate daily
3. 30 minutes of physical activity
4. Make a list of 3 tasks to do each day. One of these tasks must bring her joy
5. Do something creative
6. Rest as much as possible

She was not able to meditate daily but did do so 4 to 5 times per week. It helped her immensely. Physical activity was mostly with the boys as she got pretty sick the first month and a half of her leave. Recently she had been going to the gym 4 to 5 days per week and she adored it.

She also decided to read and follow a book called «May Cause Miracles» by Gabrielle Bernstein. The first audio book of hers she had listened to «The Universe Has Your Back» was quite inspirational to her while she was in Cuba in January trying to fix herself. Each week there is a theme; examples such as undoing the ego, facing our fears, loving ourselves, loving our body, abundance, gratitude, forgiveness etc…..

The exercises required journaling, affirmations and reflections. Today, after a long night of sitting with her feelings, she reviewed her past work in her journal and came to a realization. The course had given her exactly what she needed. There are things called «spiritual assignments». These are events that happen that can be hurtful or uncomfortable in order to allow personal growth and transformation. The course required her to take stock of her thoughts and fears in addition to all the wonderful blessings in her life. She came to realize that many things had taken place since she was on medical leave and they all came back to these lessons from the book. Many questions and fears she had were being answered and she actually had to face them.

She had to take a look at her relationships – with herself, with her daughter, grandsons, her career and her boyfriend of 9 years. She sat and realized how she had started to set boundaries with everyone. She started to be honest about things, she reached out for help. She had taken a hard look at her career. She dreamed of taking photography classes. She questioned whether or not the 9 year relationship was sustainable long term just like her 13 years at the firm. They say «those who do not like the boundaries you set are those that benefited from you not having any». How true this was.

She had asked the Universe for help, guidance in all these realms to allow her to realize what to do. The results of all this?

Her daughter and partner were both on the road to recovery and getting help. Her grandsons and she had a better relationship and a routine. It is not perfect and she was still learning to manage two boys that like to scream and yell. But the temper tantrums had subsided and she received wonderful insights and tips from her therapist.

She saw an opportunity at a previous client that she loved for a position she was perfect for. She was not sure about going for it given she was on leave. However, the Universe is funny and she received a text from a colleague about the same position. She wanted to talk with her therapist about it. She was on vacation so she thought she would wait until her return. However, the following week she was contacted by a headhunter for the same position. After being completely honest with him, she decided to send in her C.V. Three days later she was informed they were thrilled and wanted an interview. The interview took place on Friday. It did not feel like an interview but like a meeting between old friends and a discussion about the work that would be done. She knew them, they knew her and it was nice. She did not know if she would be retained for the next steps. However she did know for certain that she could not return to her current employer. She feared any progress she had would be lost under the current conditions there. She had received answers. She had a bit more clarity on this situation.

Her relationship that she questioned? She had tried ending this in 2015, in 2016, then last November, then December and again in March. He would always ask for another chance. He kept showing her actions and she kept focusing on who he could be and on who he was without drugs. She chose to hope and focus on progress. This time she set boundaries in the form of a contract. It did not last. It was never respected.  He is addicted to drugs and she was never a priority. Time to face reality.

She ended her 9 year relationship two weeks ago. After he disappeared for four days, she requested the keys. She received them in her mailbox. She packed his personal belongings kindly. She sanitized the room she had not slept in for as long as she could recall. She took back her space. She treated him with respect after years of being last on his priority list. She was grateful for all the times he had been there for her and acknowledged he was not a bad person. He was a good person. Just not good for her. She realized that she could no longer stay with this person and feel self-worth. She felt ashamed, like a fool and very hurt. When she did see him so he could pick up his things, she was not insulting or cruel. She remembered that she did love him. He is a human being who is hurting. But he was also hurting her. She realized this was the hardest lesson. She had to put herself first in all areas of her life, just like work. She could not force herself to make things work at the cost of her well-being. She was ready to feel the  short term discomfort, pain and hurt in order to have a new beginning and long term happiness.

His mom passed away yesterday and she went to see him with food, alcohol and flowers. She thought he could use a hug. He had been there for her when her own mom passed away. His mom was the best mother in law and she loved her. When she arrived, he was with someone else. She felt dispensable and disposable after 9 years. She felt hurt and confused. She felt the feelings of hurt. She then wondered what the gift was. The gift was that she was being given the space to grieve. She was being given the space to let this all go and move on. She would no longer have to feel guilty. She was now free to do what she needed to do without him trying to keep coming back. The Universe provides. The relationship died on the day his loving wonderful mother died. She would grieve her on my own. His mom knew how she felt about her. She did not need to do it with her family. She released him and he had finally released her. Apparently grieving the end of a relationship, even a toxic one is a normal part of being human.

Her photography dreams were still alive. She has registered for a course but had to drop it because she could not count on anyone to babysit. The time would come when she would find help with the kids and she would register, once again, for that course. She had a new camera and she was learning to use it. Practice makes perfect. She would enjoy the journey and how it unfolds.

Many things happened in the past year. She had gone through a lot. The depression that she hated herself for the first week had proven to be a wonderful gift. The blessing of time. Time to take care of herself. Her insecure little self asked «Who will love me now» She would, she did. She does. Life loved her as well. She knew this.

She recently experienced moments of gratitude for no reason and moments of inner peace. True peace. These moments were fleeting. There was still a lot of crying and she still needed to work on her self-doubts and self-worth in addition to feelings of betrayal and some resentments. However she saw progress. She felt a flicker if hope. She found herself saying «I got this» but not like she used to say at work. Not to prove anything to anyone or show how tough she was. She now said «I got this» for herself. Because her happiness and well-being mattered. She was going to be happy and well inside, not because of any outside validation or unhealthy co-dependent relationships with work or people.

She also started listening to Eckhart Tolle again. Years ago she read his book and found herself drawn to it again. She enjoyed his teachings about presence and being aware of our thoughts. She thought it was fitting at this stage. Suffering, she had  come to learn, came from holding on to the past and resentments, judgement about the present – resisting what is, and worry about the future. They say being aware of the problem is half the solution. So it was for her today. The journey continues.