Powerlessness, resistance and hope

There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called Yesterday and the other is called Tomorrow. Today is the right day to Love, Believe, Do and mostly Live.”  Dalai Lama XIV.

Such a beautiful quote., she thought to herself. Yes, this is the ultimate goal, to be able to think in this way. All will be well right? She was angry, furious, a rage just seething inside. Well her yesterdays were being played out right in front of her, today, except she was not the star of the movie. Her daughter, her heart, was playing the role. The story had been modified a bit. In her opinion, it was worse, far worse. So she could not do anything about her yesterday. She was worried about tomorrow. She knew she was powerless over tomorrow too. Today was unknown. For the moment she had a text confirming her heart was okay. She could not believe the determination her heart had to destroy herself. To harm herself, to treat herself with such disregard. Is this what she had taught her? Is this who I am? Life is a reflection, mirrors. Fucking mirrors. She wished she could break them, smash them into a billion pieces. Reflections of inside were all over her house too.

She had destroyed old plates when her mother passed, and then more when the father of her heart passed barely two months later. She had kept it together. She had not self-destructed. She had healed that part of herself. She knew her life was worth living, she reminded herself of all her blessings. But she was very aware of the anger boiling up inside and would release it by screaming, punching and breaking things. Like a child. Perhaps she never had wanted to grow up, but in life there are things that cannot be denied and growing up is one of those things. Recently there was an incident. A bomb exploded and she was the furthest thing from calm. She recalled those priceless moments in her life when she felt so serene and at peace, no matter what was happening around her. Where did that go? Look within, look within look inside. Sure, she remembered that too. She could not find it there and outside, she had destroyed her TV, more glasses and there were marks on the walls.

Maybe she was perceiving recent events as bombs and maybe they were not so bad. Maybe these talks she was having with her heart were exaggerations, maybe they were not true. She laughed sarcastically, «yeah right, wishful thinking, sticking your head in the sand, just deal with reality» At least her heart was talking. She recalled years ago, the therapist had said that to her when her heart had started talking but they were not all true stories. What was important was that she was talking. When it came to her heart, she was not very adept at taking things calmly, with a fair, logical approach. Anything that could harm her heart had the power to set her off. This is where she was the weakest. Her heart and the two boys. The thing that was killing her was her heart was harming herself. Sure there were unsavory elements that were helping and participating but even she knew that removing outside elements would simply be replaced with new ones. The fucking roots were her heart and her choices. How do you help someone remember their self-worth and self-love? She found it years ago in meetings, books and reconnecting with herself and her family, especially her mom. She still practiced that every day to the best of her ability. She remembered and always would.

She thought of her parents. She talked to her family and her second dad. She always thought he had a calming effect on her mom. So she reached out to him. He understood and told her all they did was love, love and have faith. They did not judge. They ensured they were always there for all of us. She decided to do that for her heart. She would do what her mom did. Then she thought, wait I cannot sit by and do nothing. Is being there and reaching out nothing? Is spending time with someone nothing? Is texting and calling and telling someone you love them nothing? Should she stage an intervention and wreak havoc in many people’s lives with the goal of restoring later calm, for the good of everyone? While it would be a good action step, she was not sure it was the right action. How could she be sure she would be saving someone by forcing an intervention and removing them by force from harms way?

She aligned with the partner in her hearts life. He was being very supportive. A friend had reached out and met her for coffee. She was an action person and she was grateful for her advice. She decided to make a plan. In this plan was the intervention. Down the road. First, she had to keep going at work. She had recently been promoted. She was now a senior manager in the advisory department, in risk consulting. The irony still baffled her. Advisory services and she could not even give the people closest to her any advice that was working. Risk consulting and there was no measure, no control to prevent or stop this shit show. She had plans with her heart that week. One of those included going to a meeting. She would go with her happily. She was looking forward to it. She was also babysitting this weekend. This was good, keeping contact with family and spending time together. This was an action step.

The meeting went as well as could be expected. It was their talk before the meeting that had her in shock. She was feeling numb and could not process what she had heard. She reverted back to the stoic self, all to disguise the hell stirring up inside. Smiles were met with half smiles. She could barely endure the hugs. She wanted to throw things and scream, but she could not. Keep it together, keep it together, never let people see you sweat. So she observed. herself, her heart, the people. She tried to feel nothing. Just breathe and stop thinking. Stop thinking about the what ifs, what if this happens or that? That is not now. That was tomorrow or later. Now was back in focus.

She reflected on one pressing question, given her own issues with substances in the past, how she had overcome them, why was this still prevalent in her life? She felt like she was surrounded by this. Her own boyfriend had issues. She was a master at managing that. She did not expect anything from him. She had given up control totally. Or was it just giving up.? Who knew……………..now her heart was going down that devils road. Why? Why could she get out and others could not or would choose to even go there? What the fuck was it that she had not healed in herself that just kept presenting itself in her life?  Unanswered questions. Life does not happen to you it happens for you. She remembered that quote. It was not helping.

Then there was the text – I am okay. She was relieved. Just for now, things were ok, not what she wanted, but at least her heart was safe. Safe. There was a time where she had been looking for safe. She did not even know what that meant anymore and was not sure it was even what she wanted anymore.  Then the phone call. She was relieved, they made plans for next week. Tuesday and Friday. And today there would be her little one. She would live today and play and all thoughts of death, overdose would just have to go away. She remembered her blessings, her family, friends and her work. They had kept her semi sane this week. She reflected on those principles that had and continued to help. She was being honest with those who mattered, including herself, she was even being open minded to various approaches, and she was certainly willing. But she could not be all those things for anyone else. So she remembered the serenity prayer. It applied, even to her own life. She was no longer struggling with addiction, but she sure was struggling with her heart’s.

She said to herself « Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.» Oh and could she please try to stop breaking things as well. This habit was starting to be costly. Just for today, just for now, this would have to be enough.


As good as it gets

I have been back at work for about a month now. My vacation was…..well………perfect. I suppose the sign of a good vacation is coming back and feeling ready to face whatever life presents to me. I had taken the time to re-energize or re-align myself. I felt like I was in touch with me again. I could breathe and I felt very solid- no matter what may happen.

In the past. I would return to work with a feeling of dread. As if work had the power to take away my feeling of inner well-being. Now I am not saying that I have felt perfectly fine during the last few weeks, but suffice to say, I feel an odd sense of peace, despite what has been happening around me.

I had plans to meditate every single day, as I had at the beach. I had plans to stay active and do physical activity- as I had during my vacation. Oh so many plans. The reality is, I gave myself to my work and when I could, I would meditate. I have also discovered just being. I think «Ease» is the feeling I have been exploring. Allowing myself to take it easy. This time I was perfectly aware that it was ME making the choice, to take or not take, the time to do my planned list of activities. This time, I could not blame anything on work or outside circumstance. The freedom felt in just accepting that I may not always achieve my planned routine has been…beneficial.

The 180 turnaround

Work has been much the same, but slightly different. Last week, I received the news that I did, in fact, get my promotion. It is now official. In hindsight, I see the benefit in experiencing the exact polar opposite of this news before I left for my vacation. I had felt a sense of freedom, no matter what I was told back then, I knew then that I was deserving and good enough. I had become open to new and exciting opportunities. I still am, although they are currently with my firm. I may not know for certain what caused the 180 turn of events, but suffice to say, I think I have some clue. The lessons learned from that whole experience taught me that I no longer have to believe in other people’s perceptions of reality. My own count as well, if not even more. For example, the other day I started to get really stressed about a presentation I had to finish. A presentation that «presented» itself to me last minute with little time to achieve the planned objectives. I became aware that I really enjoy a challenge and I had invested and committed myself to this. Nobody forced me. Although I know that it is understood that I must do these tasks, another part me was very much aware that I wanted to nail it. I then realized that in my stressed out moment, I had bought into another person’s perception of reality. I was actually able to distinguish between my perception that things work out, desire to do well versus another’s perception of urgency. «Worry pas» is an expression my second dad always says, it means «don’t worry». We used to always say it and laugh, but now I am living it, or at least trying to.

I have been learning new things at work too. Proposals are something new to me. This is how we get new clients, business and projects. I had always wanted to be involved before, however now, I am in a position where I have to be. It is required that I become adept at writing proposals. Understanding the context, client needs and submitting a concise approach that reflects that are key. Sales, selling our team and myself in a concise, precise articulate way. I am new to this, Ironically, I had many review notes and did not react as I had in the past. This time, I did not feel unworthy or not good enough. I turned those suggestions into lessons learned and enjoyed the process rather than dread it. Yes, I will always be someone who will need to focus more on details, but I was able to produce good enough work, in my view, and still enjoy the detailed process. This is progress.

Acceptance and appreciation

In my soul, the memories of the ocean are never far away. I love remembering how the ocean and waves felt. I enjoy finding shops where ocean and beach items are sold. Case in point. Many beach and ocean themed stores have furniture that is wood, with a white tint. I adore the look. I am thinking of turning my mom’s bedroom furniture, given to me many years ago, into my new project. The furniture currently has a green tint and always reminded me of spring. My mother had done that all herself. I could never bring myself to dispose of the furniture despite the fact that it is «old». My project is to sand it and tint the wood white – to resemble the furniture I have seen in beach homes, cabins or even huts.


In my little piece of the world, I have noticed myself appreciating what is around me. I can list a number of things that upset, worry and anger me. I know this. However I am learning acceptance and awareness of how I feel. In addition, I have noticed that I find myself looking at the things I do enjoy and really focusing on them. Case in point, I recently went for a walk along the Lachine Canal, there were boats on the canal.


It seemed busier than usual. The Atwater market is just 10 minute walk, maximum, from my apartment and I found myself really appreciating being so close to local farmers. I purchased fresh blueberries and strawberries and other local produce. I loved looking at the flowers. They will forever remind me of my mother. I cried at the sight of some of them and did not mind one bit. You see I have become comfortable with tears. I know she is in a much better place. I also know that my tears are because I do not appreciate how she passed, and I miss her physically. And that is okay. It is perfectly acceptable. I feel very grateful to be able to accept myself in this way. It feels new. It feels like I did bring back a piece of my «Cuba self.» The walk on the canal is free. It costs nothing. So many people, all outside, co-existing, enjoying nature and life in their own way. There is a boat called «Canal Lounge» where you can go eat, drink and be merry. During my walk, I noticed a man playing the trumpet by the water, jazzy blues. It was the perfect accompaniment to that afternoon by the water.


I look back on my life in the last few weeks and I feel very blessed. I have a wonderful family. Being able to see them for a visit, dinner or just call and chat on the phone matters to me. I had dinner with my brother and his girlfriend, and, not long after I had dinner with my second dad. I really enjoyed those dinners. I had been somewhat worried that those family dinners would no longer happen, now that my mom had passed. They still happen, they are just different. That is perfectly acceptable too. I have come out of my little bubble and re-connected with an old friend. She has some issues with her health. I was able to be there for one of her treatments. We just sat and talked at the hospital. I had never felt comfortable doing that before. I felt inadequate and felt I would not know how to help or do anything of value. I feel differently now. It was an honour to be there with my friend.

My daughter is going through difficult times. I cannot say I am not worried and I wish I could do more. However, even in feeling powerless, I know that just by being available to talk with her and listen, more importantly, is helping in some small way. Over the past few weeks, I was given the gift of a phone call from her. One time she called me at work. Why? Because she felt good. She was calling me to tell me she felt OK because she always calls when she is not feeling so hot. I have never cared when she calls. I am just happy she calls, no matter what. The fact that she called just to tell me that day was ok blew my mind and my heart. I am very blessed. Since that day, we speak even more than ever before. I enjoy listening to her talk. I had always hoped she would, but always respected her space. Well now we are chatty Cathy’s on the phone almost daily.

The self help people always say «Do what you love», or. I agree. That is one fine goal. However, these days, I am finding it pretty satisfying just being aware of how I feel, accepting what I do and loving what I have. I may not have the prefect boyfriend but I try to see his qualities. I know now I have enough boundaries set that no one can take advantage of me. I am no victim. That is progress. It is nice to know I can appreciate being accepted for who I am. I do have the perfect family for me and I have never really had many expectations from friends. I do however appreciate that they accept me for myself. My wonderfully «imperfect but perfect in my imperfection» self. Accepting what I do and have in my life is a perfect first step. I have found love in appreciating where I live, my family, my friends and yes, even my work. I hope it sticks.

In the news there is a lot of hate and now more recently, Mother Nature unleashed some severe weather in the USA. I dislike it. I am not comfortable with it. I am unsure how I can contribute to change, except for doing my very best to do no harm to people and to treat those around me, strangers or family or friends with kindness. Perpetuate my belief that we are all human. Race, religion and whatnot are simply labels created by man. However, in my personal life I do not experience this hatred. I have friends of all religions, race, colour, sexual preference and I love that. In the world it seems things are different. I am able to accept that I do not know what to do or have all the answers. I do know one thing – I do not condone hate, and I will not join in the hate. No matter who you are. I feel like this is another way to control people. Get people worked up over ancient issues that have been existent for centuries, distract them enough and they will not pay attention to what is really important. I will not play this game. I will not hate, or condone violence. And you know what? That is what I am capable of right now. I will perpetuate energies I consider to be more beneficial like love, appreciation, kindness, and tolerance, understanding and general gratitude.

Speaking of those principles, earlier this week, Louise L Hay passed away. She lived by the principles of love. She was one of my favorite authors. Her books have helped me immensely. Over the last few years I would find myself thinking of many of her «quotes» from her books. She really helped people learn to love life and especially themselves. I have carried her book «Life Loves You» with me many times since 2015. She also believed that you could heal yourself from many physical and mental illnesses. She wrote books about it. The world needs people like her in it. I wonder, will she be even more powerful in the non-physical? I smile as I think to myself that my mom and Natalino, Jade’s dad are also there. I had always hoped they would read her books when they were not physically well. Now they are all together.

I used to wonder- Is this as good as it gets? Today I think I am happy about how my life is. Perhaps another word would be acceptance. Perhaps that is the difference. Who knows, but until I do know, I will continue to focus on what I love. Until I do have my beach cabin by the sea, I will act as if I am there. I will walk along the canal, fall asleep to ocean sounds and recycle my old furniture into something that would befit a beach house. I will adore my plants and talk to Tessie, my African violet. Ironically, she is in full flower mode again, even though it is winter in Africa and this plant typically does not flower in the summer – well our summer. She is thriving too. I like to think she is my mom in physical form. Who knows but it sure feels good talking to her. The day I received the news about my promotion, I came home, there was a new flower. I sat with her, told her the news and thanked her.

On that note, I think the lesson is to love what you have and try to ignore the rest, I know it is not easy, but accept what is and focus on what is loved. This may not be as good as it gets, but boy am I happy my life is this good. And that makes all the difference.

When plans change

When I retunred from Cuba, I was really looking forward to a family trip. Initially, this road trip was supposed to be with my daughter, her boyfriend and my two grandsons. I had reserved a two bedroom cottage, The Beachcomber, at the Old Shipyard Campground, Spencer Island in Nova Scotia. Instead, because my daughter was feeling quite ill at the time, she suggested that I go with Aidan. I was not overjoyed that she was ill, however, I was happy to have this opportunity to bring Aidan to the ocean with me for the first time. The road trip to the ocean with Aidan was supposed to be for three nights.

Instinct told me to call to confirm my reservation because after giving my credit card information, I had not heard back. It just so happened, they never received that email. However, it also just so happened that they had a 1 bedroom cottage for the same number of nights available. Ironic that I no longer needed two bedrooms. They told me to drive safe and they would see us the next day.

We left Montreal around 3pm. He is quite the good little traveller. Road stops along the way were ensured to help Aidan not feel bored or restless. We would run around the trees and pretend they were magic forests. Indeed, they were. He would ask repeatedly «Where is the ocean Nana? » This warmed my heart because I felt the same way. Except I am an adult and I know it takes a while to get there. So I would explain that we had to get back into the car so we could get closer. No problems there.

I had promised him he would see the ocean before his head hit the pillow that night. We succeeded in driving to St John, New Brunswick. This choice was because there is a harbour there and, while my geography skills need improvement, I knew that was the «beginning» of the ocean. I was determined to keep my promise. We drove through fog, and darkness. There are moose in New Brunswick, so I was very cautious. We drove slowly, but we made it to the ocean by midnight. The place we stayed at for the night was next to the water. I showed Aidan the ocean before his head hit the pillow.

St John

The next morning, we had breakfast and left for our ultimate destination. Spencer Island. This place has meaning for me. I had never been there, but my second dad and mom would go there every year and they adored the place. Claude had told me about the tides and the ocean. How they would come in so high that they would almost touch the camper. He told me about the cottages. He told me about the serenity of this place. How you could fall asleep to the ocean sounds. I listened to him. Going there with Aidan was meaningful to me on so many levels. I knew I would feel my mom there and I knew she would be overjoyed to see her great grandson there as well.

It was about 3 hours away and Aidan was very excited. I had been told about the road there. It would twist and turn and then a clearing where the ocean would appear in full view. When I saw this, I told Aidan to look and see the ocean. We were beside ourselves with excitement. We were so very close. Then I saw this:


May 28th we are at a family gathering. My dad and his wife are in town. My daughter, son in law, grandsons, brother, sister in law, nieces are all together for brunch. They took Aidan for a walk by the river. It was time to leave and Aidan cried «I don’t want to go, I want to see the sea!!!!!!!!! »

I laughed and cried at the sight of that sign.

The couple that owns this campground knew my parents well. When I arrived I was, well, emotional. I said I had a reservation. I told the lady that my parents had been going there for years. She asked their names and then slowly, recognition crossed her face. She asked if Claude had a water company. I confirmed he did and then she said «We were just talking about them yesterday, wondering why they had not been here in a couple of years. » I explained why. She called her husband and explained what had just happened. They hugged me. We cried. They asked how many nights the reservation was for. I explained that it was available for 2 nights. She stated that a third night had just opened up. That was a no-brainer. I took it. They told me they had never seen a couple that enjoyed just being together so much, walking hand in hand on the beach, going for dinner. I agreed.

Our cottage was named «Sea Urchin» and it was perfect. Fully equipped and so cozy. The view from the cottage was perfection.

Interesting how the ocean is. In the Bay of Fundy, the tides are in, out and the ocean looks different every hour. Every day there is something new about it. No matter what, it is still the ocean. So many facets, so many changes, still it is the ocean. The tides are high or low. I suppose that is how life is too.

This location had rocky beaches. Aidan took to the beach immediately and played in the rocks. Aidan would run, trip and fall. He would get up and in minutes, all had passed and all was well again. He found seas shells, rocks and I did too. I even found my first piece of sea glass. One day, we walked along the beach for 2 hours, exploring, playing in the rocks, sand and finding our treasures.

We visited the surrounding areas. Lighthouses, cliffs with each view more breathtaking than the last. Each view of the ocean in all its glory, different that the last.

On the day we were supposed to return to Montreal, we decided to extend the trip. We went to Parlee beach, a beach on the ocean with sand. Aidan would love that. We made sand castles and when the tide started coming in, we were in the water. Aidan felt the little waves on his legs and started to laugh. I wish I had caught that sound on video. The sound of his laughter filled my heart. He sounded just like me. I laugh like a child when I play in the waves. I could relate to Aidan. We had a picnic on the beach. Then it was time to move on to our next destination. We chose Alma. New Brunswick, the Bay of Fundy, NB side. Always by the ocean of course. There was a quaint motel with rooms that had kitchenettes. We had bought food for our journey, opting to cook instead of eating out. We had a nice little dinner by the ocean that night. Aidan wanted to speak to his mommy, daddy and William each night. I loved this because I would get to chat with William. I requested one more night with Aidan and my daughter agreed.

Aidan settled down for bed and I decided to check my work emails. There was one from my partner entitled Personal and Confidential. He thanked me for responding to a client request. Then he informed me that they had decided to present me for a promotion to Senior Manager with a rating of 2. The decision of yay or nay was in progress. The exact polar opposite of what I had been told during my evaluation. I did not know what to make of this email. I was surprised. I had come to some realizations in the recent weeks about work. I went outside to reflect, by the ocean. In the silence I understood that this was out of my hands and I would let the Universe reveal what would happen with this. I let it go.

The next day I walked along the shore and thanked the ocean for a wonderful time, again. You see, there was fog in the mornings but it would always dissipate because of the sun. We had not seen a drop of rain this whole time.

We did not know which route to take on our journey home. I knew of Rocky Harbour, where there is a ferry, a huge boat that goes to Grand Manan Island. The trip is 90 minutes one way. Just anything to keep me on the ocean. However, we had just missed the ferry when we arrived. At that moment, my brother sent me a picture of his African violet that just so happened to have three beautiful flowers. It was my mom’s plant. It had not flowered since her passing. He was in Vancouver visiting my dad and my sister in law had informed him of this news. I was overjoyed for him. I too had purchased an African violet, named her Tessie, after my mom and she had given me three flowers just before my vacation started. It would appear that mom was watching over all of us during our vacations.

We headed towards Fredericton, away from the ocean but next to the St John river which eventually does lead to the ocean…………but I digress. We enjoyed a wonderful sunset that night, as we had every night of our vacation.

Sunsets 2Sunsets

Eventually we made it back to Montreal the next day. I promised Aidan to make a treasure jar with what he had found at the beach.  The following day, I left to go to Sainte Agathe in the north of Montreal. The following day it rained. I walked in the woods and enjoyed the rain. My first day of rain since my vacation had begun. I came across a stream. I decided I would return the next day. I had been hoping to see some animals in the woods, but they were absent that day

I was sitting by the stream in silence. Listening to the rustling trees and feeling the breeze. It was so serene there. A butterfly flew around me. I was surprised because I was wearing black. They are typically attracted to bright colours. It would not stop flying around me. Eventually it flew around my face and fluttered against my eyelid. I called out «Mommy» and it flew around me once more and then went on its way. On my way home, I stopped at Mont Tremblant National Park and saw deer within minutes of entering the park. I spent the rest of the afternoon at the beach. I thought of Aidan as I made castles in the sand with plastic beer glasses to the interest of little children around me that had boatloads of sand toys.

I suppose things do not always go as planned. I understand there is something precious in this when it happens. Trees, oceans, lakes, streams and nature in general hold secrets to life. This has been my experience in the last three weeks. No matter what the conditions, nature carries on with grace and finds a way to thrive. Every once in a while I feel that way. More so when I am alone, but slowly I am finding ways to be in that state around people. That was one gift of my time spent with Aidan and my vacation in general. Sometimes you really do need to talk with a three year old just to understand life again.

Wherever you go, there you are

I went to Cuba, not to explore the culture, but to take one week of time to myself to sit and relax by the place I love so much – the ocean. The thought of waking, meditating, swimming and just being by the ocean for one week felt like the perfect thing for me to do. One week may not seem like a lot, but then again, time is relative. I had little expectations for this week other than to be gentle myself and reconnect with my spirit. I felt like I was a human doing instead of a human being.  I was tired and this was my plan. Nothing earth shattering happened in 7 days. But then again, that is also a matter of perspective. What happens when you try to reconnect with your spirit and open your mind to letting things flow? To begin with, I flew through passport control and got my luggage in very little time. I got in the bus to the resort. The tour guide starts off by saying that in Cuba the motto is «Be happy – there is no room for complaints or sadness here. Just be happy». I laugh inside. I will do my best. I am the only person checking into this hotel. There is a terrace and I see palm trees and the ocean is in the distance. I can hear its waves. I go downstairs to explore a bit. The ocean is right down the stairs. I go to the beach. There is lightening, it is spectacular. I put my feet in the ocean. I have arrived.

Day 1

I slept until my eyes opened. All work out plans are out the window. I am going to explore this resort and figure out where i can get a «cafe negro grande» (Americano). The coffee here is delicious. The lady that served it to me is happy and dancing around. It is stunning here. I am noticing how my breath is deep and slow. I am relaxing. This is good. The ocean is calling my name. Time to go for a swim. I see a secluded place under the cliffs with a dot of beach. I decide to swim there. It appeared closer than in reality. I realize I have been swimming a long time now. Once there, I explore and, happy with my accomplishment, I swim back. I then lay back and let the waves do their dance. I am at peace. One nice side effect – work out for today is complete. I moved and did what I love, swam in the ocean. I am liking this time with myself. Me, myself and I are getting along just fine. Success number 1. I am lost in my bubble and hear someone next to me. I realize I almost bumped into this person. I apologize and laugh that I was in my bubble and then realize maybe she is French, I say «Désolé» (Sorry). She laughs and is very happy that I speak French. She too is from Montreal and here alone and is happy to make a friend. I go with this and it becomes apparent that she also likes her space and will not be imposing herself on mine. I say a silent «Thank you» to the Universe. I will call her Miss N. We make plans to eat dinner together at some point but nothing firm and nothing resembling commitment. Success number 2. I am sitting on the terrace and the palm trees are swaying in the wind, the sound is soothing and with the ocean waves, it is almost like the Universe is breathing or meditating. I see a tiny bird and notice it is a hummingbird. I am very happy to see this, I love birds.

At dinner, I am enjoying the mango in my plate and the song «Tears in heaven» plays. I feel tears rising, I am happy .My surroundings have not changed. I realize it is acceptable to let the tears flow and still be okay. I love my mom and Natalino very much. Success number 3.

Day 2

I wake up when my eyes open. I am going to the beach to exercise. I bring my music and start running. I am laughing. I feel a sense of freedom like I have not felt before. It is hot and humid but I run. Until I feel like stopping. I look around at the sand, the waves and the sky. I turn around and run back. I do this multiple times. I notice Miss N is also working out by the beach. I smile to myself. I can relate to Miss N.

It is now time to meditate. I feel this is a good place and time. My guided Davidji meditation is called «Awakening acceptance». I love this theme. I find the buffet and there is mango! My favorite fruit. I only eat fruit because this is all I feel like eating. So it is.

More swimming and relaxing. I have my book «Life loves you» by Louise L Hay. Today’s chapter is «Affirming your life». The question asked is «How would it feel to stop judging yourself»? I ponder on this for a moment. I realize that I would feel good enough, my mind would feel healthy enough. My body would feel good enough and healthy enough. I would be a good enough writer. I would feel capable, competent, and creative enough. My soul pure enough. I imagine I would love myself the way I am. I let myself feel this way for a while and I realize, if I am he thinker of my thoughts, then I can feel this way more often. I can notice when I am being unkind to me. Success for the day. I notice my mind reverting to work. It is thinking «check your emails». I notice this thought and let it float away, like a cloud. These thoughts come from doubt and / or worry and are not soul thoughts. The waves are crashing on the shore. I am going to play in the waves. I do not have to check my work emails. This is more in line with my soul.

Day 3

I decided to check out the gym. There is a stepper there that reminds me of the machine my friend and trainer has at her gym »Jacobs ladder». I decide to give it a try and do intervals for two minutes and then run on the treadmill. It is hot in the gym. I finish my session and decide to go for my mango. As long as it is available I will be eating it. Today’s meditation is « Awakening forgiveness». The chapter in my book is also on the topic of forgiveness. It asks on a scale of 0-100 how much I have forgiven various people in my life, including myself. The first time I had read the book, I had forgiven myself 58%. My parents and Natalino were at 90%.When I saw this, I felt sad. I realized from my previous meditation and now reading this, I had some forgiving to do. I went back to the waves and reflected on this for a while.

I hear music in the background. There is a band playing. I go closer to observe. There are people sitting, enjoying the band. I see a table of three men smoking cigars and having a good time. A table is free next to them. One of the men asks me if I am Spanish. I answer no, and he is disappointed that I do not speak Spanish. He looks like he is from Lebanon. I think of an old friend there. He looks a lot like him. They ask me to take a picture of them. I happily oblige. One of the men is not smiling so much. So I smile directly at him and say «Smile for the camera» and slowly but surely, by the third photo, I get him to smile. Yay me. I sit back down and enjoy the music. I have dinner plans today with Miss N. We are going to the international restaurant here. It has gotten rave reviews.

There is a group of violinists that are playing at dinner. They are extremely talented. The music is gorgeous. One of them comes to ask us what we would like to hear, so I suggest that they play something they love. This is usually where an artist will perform the best. They play Hallelujah. My heart swells and the tears rise because one of the musicians is just beautiful when he plays. His eyes are closed and you can feel the passion he has. Spectacular.

Play the violin for me, play it with passion, your eyes closed for all to see, you’re feeling. Our eyes meet but I look away, I cannot show you me that is not for you to see. Only an artist can expose themselves and right now, that is not me. 

Play the violin for me, I see me in you, the passion you feel, your eyes closed again as you play. I thank you for your artistry. As our eyes meet again, I do not look away. You see me, I see you, playing the violin, a beautiful melody.

 Day 4

I found a perfect spot on the beach. There is an area that is away from the main space. The massage gazebo is just behind it. There are tiki huts with tables. Close to everything but just secluded enough. There are towels on chairs but nobody there. There are two men standing at the last tiki hut with a table not reserved by towels. They ask if I would like the spot. I confirm but did not want to disturb their conversation. They happily let me have the spot and they step back and continue talking. Meditation today was «Awakening Gratitude». I have much to be grateful for. Today my thoughts are with my family. I am also thinking of Aidan and William, my grandsons and my daughter. I adore them. There is nothing quite like meditating by the ocean.

I am relaxed go swimming / playing in the waves. When I return, to my surprise, a man is sitting at the chair next to mine and has taken the other half of the table. I am surprised because there are a multitude of free chairs available. It appears he too thinks this is the perfect spot and has decided that there is only one resident under this tiki hut and therefore the other space is free. I nod hello as does he. We are both sitting in our chairs, relaxing, reading and not speaking. I find this oddly enjoyable. I have accepted the idea I have a roommate for the day. One who does not speak. He gets up to go get a drink. I go for a swim. When we return we both smile and carry on in our shared spot.

Activities have begun. He goes to check them out. The band starts playing so I now go as well. I have always dreamed of dancing the salsa in Cuba, under the sun, outdoors to real live Cuban music. A song starts and one of the entertainers comes right up to me and asks me to dance. I say yes, get up and start dancing with him. He pauses, looks at me and asks where I am from. I respond Canada and he lets me know that I dance very well, that it is not often people keep up with him from the start. Then he asks if I have danced before. I have not really. I just love to dance. We keep dancing I am laughing and feel wonderful. The band is really good too. The song ends and he says I should dance more. I agree. My goal of dancing the salsa has been achieved with someone from Cuba no less.

When I got back to my shared spot, I was grateful my roommate was there. We smiled at each other. I continued reading my book. The chapter is on Gratitude. I realize I have had a most pleasant day at the beach with this stranger. We were mutually watching over each other’s belongings. It was very nice and I decided to write him a thank you note for a nice day at the beach. I decided I would slip it into his bag when he got up to go somewhere.

I was at the restaurant having a beverage when he returned. I noticed him find my note, look around and smile. I giggled. I was having a great time and nobody was invading my space. When I returned, he introduced himself. Mr. X. is from Belgium and had spent 20 days travelling around Cuba. He was not even staying at this resort, but a «casa particular» and had wanted a nice beach to spend the day. The hotel charged him some pesos and here he was. We were both getting ready to leave. It was almost 6pm. He said he would be back tomorrow. Maybe we would run into each other.

I had dinner with Miss N again. We then went to the terrace where I met more of her friends who were in their mid-20s, Italian and also from Montreal. I was not sure about how long I wanted to spend with this group. I figured I would see how I felt as the night went on. I chatted for a while with Mr. M. Age is a funny thing. I used to think it was just a number. In the last few months I noticed myself starting to doubt that. Tonight became clear that age means nothing. I will not go into more detail on this but suffice to say, the message was received. That doubt can now be put to rest.

Day 4

Day 5

Sure enough, Mr. X and I were in the same spot today, sharing our space. I meditated to «Awakening compassion» He asked me to join him for a beverage. He works in marketing, for a chocolate company. He lives 5 minutes away from his work. He told me about his friends and their traditions, such as a men’s weekend once per year, no matter what. Wives and girlfriends are warned this is happening. He let me know he was the only bachelor of his group. He asked what I did and I explained I was a chartered accountant working in the advisory department at KPMG. He had friends that work at KPMG in Belgium and they all left due to long hours, stress and lack of advancement in their career. How ironic I thought. He was leaving tomorrow, going to Havana for a couple of days before returning to Belgium. I enjoyed our little chat and was not sure how to proceed. I did not come to Cuba to meet people or anything of that sort, although he was very interesting and pleasant. It was almost as if he sensed that. We returned to our beach chairs and our little hut and carried on with our day. When 6pm came around, I got up to leave and get ready for dinner. We said goodbye, it was nice meeting you and I wished him safe travels home. I hope Mr. X made it safely back home.

Miss N and I had dinner with her friend Peter. The sunset was glorious, the most beautiful this week. We exchanged information. She is leaving tomorrow.

Day 6

Today is my last full day here. My meditation is «Awakening the divine». Both my companions have left. I am thankful for them too. I see gorgeous flower trees and thank my mom. It might sound stupid but Natalino had this hair gel and I kept it when I emptied his apartment. I asked Jade, our daughter’s permission and she said it was fine with her. In the humidity, his gel is keeping my hair manageable. I feel like he is with me. After dinner I went to see the show. It was my first this week. It was dancing. However, I was not prepared for what would happen here.

March 30 2017, it is just past midnight. I am with my mom and she has just taken her last breath. I am waiting for Claude now. As he walks in, a song is playing. It is one that our little circle know. The name escapes me. He kneels down by my mother’s bed to say his last goodbye. My heart is breaking watching this.

The couple on stage is dancing to this song. The routine is brilliant. Tears start to well up.

June 2017 – sidewalk sale on St Laurent Blvd. – I am packing Natalino’s things. I am in the apartment, alone. I find one of his hoodies, on the armchair. It smells like him. I hold it in my arms, like we are dancing. I dance with the hoodie in the living room and I say my goodbyes.

Then the song, «All of me» came on and a man, alone on the stage, danced with a pink dress. That is when I lost it…………..

I thought all the tears were out and gone. I thought I was finished. I started to cry, but wanted to keep it together. I thought I had succeeded.

One week in Cuba was for me to take time to realign myself with myself. Be with me and take care of myself. One week in Cuba and I feel so grateful, blessed, abundant and happy. I spent as much time with the ocean as humanly possible. However, this last night in Cuba taught me that just like the waves don’t play around, emotions don’t either. I cried like I never have before. I was not even depressed or heartbroken. I just had to let those tears out. I had no choice. They were coming like waves. There was no stopping them. This last night in Cuba, got to me. The dancing, the songs, the everything. There was no stopping the tears, just like you cannot stop a wave. I went to my room. «I accept» I said out loud, «I accept, I accept, I accept». I know one thing – I may not have transformed in one week but I do know that I released something significant this last night. And for that, I am grateful.

Day 7

I went to the beach and meditated to «Awakening abundance» I certainly feel abundant this week. The weather has been perfect, the location has been perfect. I have done what I wanted, when I wanted. I have swam in the ocean for hours on end and relaxed listening to the waves. I thank the Universe over and over again. I went to the ocean and talked with it for quite a while. I thanked the waves and the ocean for being the way it is. I wanted to stay for as long as possible until it was time to leave.

As I went for my last swim, I realized that I had not found one of the beautiful spiral shells that I am accustomed to seeing in Cuba, it is almost like they are not in season. I thought to myself wouldn’t it be nice to find just one? As I looked down, there was one beautiful spiral shell at my feet. No waves were coming to take it away. I was able to pick it up. I started to laugh out loud. I was so happy about this shell. I kissed it and thanked the ocean over and over again. I thanked the palm trees, the flowers, the birds, and the people who had taken care of me during the week. I would prefer to stay but I was also happily accepting that I had to leave and go home.

Mom and Natalino I know you are here with me. If I have to cry like that again, I accept. With all my love to Cuba, the ocean, beach and everyone who was so nice to me. I will never forget these 7 days on my own in Cuba, where on the last night I broke the rule. In Cuba people come to be happy and this is where I let out my deepest sorrows, in happiness, gratitude and acceptance. No matter where you go, there you are. If that is the case, I want to bring back the «me» that I was in Cuba and practice what I did in Cuba at home. It is possible, all I have to do is close my eyes, hear the waves and remember to breathe. I have that seashell as a tangible reminder.

Questioning my beliefs

The last few weeks I have not kept the two promises I made to myself this year – to write every week and to train 3 times per week to the best of my ability. Life has been mostly about work, although I have spent the weekends with family. I have nothing to complain about, I just see that time has been a factor and I have felt overwhelmed by the number of things to take care of at work and in my personal life. I think what has happened as a result is that I have become aware that I am questioning some of my heartfelt beliefs. They have been turned upside down and examined. When this started a few weeks ago, I was feeling angry, resentful, overwhelmed and confused.  The trigger that started this was the «expected» passing of my mom and then the totally unexpected passing of the father of my child. I am seeing so many analogies between life and what I do on a daily basis for work. My work is in the consulting field. I have clients and we go into their business and assess their processes and provide recommendations to improve their processes and help them mitigate risk. How does this translate into challenging my beliefs? Hang on, here we go.

Control environment

In my line of work it is best practice to have a sound control environment based on a set of principles for which the company should have elements, or mechanisms in place to help ensure the environment is sound. There is documented guidance around this. A theory or policy, if you will, that details these principles and provides examples of what good mechanisms would be. It is called COSO 2013 and three important elements are control environment, risk assessment and control activities.

In daily life I have come to the conclusion that society also has the same thing but for control environment, the main one is religion, the one of your choice, and for those that do not believe in any religion, we have spirituality. Many spiritual principles are found in religion. I am of the opinion that religion is more rules based and prescriptive whereas spirituality is more guidance based. Documented policy for religions are found in the Bible or the Quoran or the Torah to name just a few. For spirituality we have hundreds of «teachers» who have their own view on spiritual principles and how to apply these in our daily life.  The risk here is inconsistent guidance and application of these religions and spiritual principles that I believe in.

Risk assessment and controls

Nevertheless, in the business world, once you assess your risks – what could go wrong – you are supposed to implement controls to mitigate the risk, or reduce what could go wrong to an acceptable level – i.e. no huge impact on operations and / or profit or life as the analogy. The following chart provides only a few examples of things that could go wrong and controls:


Spiritual teachers do not really believe in things going wrong, examples of this are as follows:

  • Dis-ease – because there is no such thing as disease, it is simply your mental state of being causing the dis-ease.
  • Death is not really death but «passing» and nothing has gone wrong because we are infinite beings and we have merely transitioned to the non-physical. There is absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Our loved ones are still with us and life goes on. They have merely gone to a better place and we physical people are here continuing the circle of life. We are born, we live, and we die. No problem.

Many of the spiritual teachers preach that your thoughts create reality, therefore thinking about what could go wrong will surely bring it to be and therefore the focus is mainly over loving, kindness, truth, understanding, compassion, tolerance, gratitude, and service or helping one another. Stay positive. I think the Dalai Lama said that these basic principles are found in all religions. I have not read the Torah or Quoran so I am basing this on his word and corroborated with what other people have said. The only one I know enough about is the Bible and therefore the bible will be used in my analogy.

Life – In life we have my example, the Bible, and it has Ten Commandments. These would be the rules. The authority is God and if you break the rules you are to feel very bad and go to hell. This is the control. Comply or burn in hell. Until you do, feel guilty about it. In addition, monitoring is through the form of weekly attendance at meetings – church. To ensure adequate revenue to offset increased expenses and help ensure adequate profit, or enough to go around and be of service to others, there is the donation portion of the church mass. However, in my humble assessment, they have done a poor job of ensuring consistent understanding of their basic guide. The Bible has been translated over thousands of years, leaving the book open to some questionable interpretation. For example, intolerance and killing is frowned upon, except in war, and intolerance over those who do not fit into a box. Whose box? Who decided? Oh right, the authority God, but he, as portrayed in the bible, is shifty at best and inconsistent in His own application of his own rules. I am reminded of the monologue from the movie the Devil’s Advocate:

« Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway? God? Is that it? God? Well, I tell ya, let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift and then what does He do? I swear, for His own amusement, His own private cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It’s the goof of all time. Look, but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste. Taste, don’t swallow. And while you’re jumpin’ from one foot to the next, what is He doin’? He’s laughin’ His sick, fuckin’ ass off. He’s a tight-ass. He’s a sadist. He’s an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never! »

But I had questioned this belief system long ago. I feel more comfortable with spirituality. But some beliefs I have come to hold dear to my heart, or as Louis CK likes to call it «believes» have been turned on their head and I have a new assessment today.

Believees around «Thoughts create your reality, stay positive, everything happens for a reason»

This sounds like the perfect control to mitigate anything ever going wrong. Just think love, compassion and be grateful and all will be well. Anger is a secondary emotion, only the «good feelings» should be given attention. Anything else is a sign of sickness or dis-ease, ignore these and they will go away. There is something wrong with you if you feel sad, depressed, and angry. In some groups, these are signs of addiction. Everything happens for a reason. Go to church or a meeting. Meetings would be those monitoring controls like church mass for support groups.

In my recent experience, this is completely and totally false. It is blanket statements like this that are dangerous. Case in point, the unexpected passing of my daughter’s father. He was released from a hospital with a severe skin infection and at risk for sceptic shock. He was an amputee with no legs, living alone. There was no compensating factor to help ensure he would be ok if something went wrong in his apartment. What went wrong? He fell over from the sceptic shock and could not do anything to help himself, like reach his cell phone and call for help. He was left that way for 3 whole days and died of sceptic shock. What were his thoughts before he passed this way?

  1. He was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, having been released from intensive care and on the road to recovery.
  2. He was looking forward to moving into his newer larger apartment and looking forward to seeing myself, his daughter and grandsons.
  3. He had been working out to improve his upper body strength.
  4. He had recently stated «Life is a process, not a struggle. Keep smiling».

Sounds pretty positive to me and if those thoughts were supposed to create his reality, then something went horribly wrong. Not according to the spiritual gurus though – no. He is in a better place now and no longer suffering. I have a question: should we just off all these people we consider to be suffering? Of course not. It is not up to us physical beings, there is infinite intelligence out there that decides all that. Circle of life remember? Everything may happen for a reason?

Believees around Spiritual principles – Love, compassion, tolerance, understanding, hope, faith, gratitude, and open mindedness

I still believe in these. I do. However, the challenge I faced recently was in the application of these by other people who apparently follow these same principles, supposedly. I see a lot of intolerance from spiritual people towards people who do not follow their rules. Case in point – my daughter was feeling very shocked by the sudden loss of her father. Well-meaning people reached out to her, with heartfelt intent, and told her that anger was not a healthy emotion and it was secondary. She was told to get over it and let it go. At least now she could get over her daddy issues. She asked for space but she was told to go to meetings and that her life was at stake if she did not go. Really? That because she did not identify as an addict at this time of grief she could die. She was not listening to advice and people were getting intolerant of her feelings and her.

It would appear, that much like the bible, if you do not follow the rules and do not attend that monitoring control, you will be faced with the same inconsistent application of those very principles that are preached. If you disagree with something, you are in denial. If you do not comply, you are sick. If you feel angry you are unhealthy and, again, are negative, attracting shit and etc……… If everything happens for a reason, then maybe feelings and emotion arise for a reason too? Maybe open-mindedness is a two way street?

Believee #3 – Believing in other people’s perception of reality

I became aware that all those above guidance examples had driven some of my beliefs. Other people wrote books, articles and policies. I found myself believing in their perceptions. Not my own. I never questioned them because they were embedded in my mainstream day to day life. Experts must know better, books that have been around for centuries must know better, despite the fact that the same nonsense has been occurring for the same number of centuries. I never questioned any of these, and always doubted myself. It felt awful, but negative feelings must be ignored and so on and so on. I believed more experienced people telling me I was not good enough. I believed that professionals knew better than me. I felt very conflicted. I should be allowed to question things. That is what my mind is for.

So I felt all of those feelings. I did not attempt to change any of them. I was no longer afraid to attract negativity because I was angry, resentful, and sad. I went through it. I am stubborn by nature and pretty determined, and on a positive day perseverant. I did not give up during the overwhelming moments of the past weeks but I stopped beating up on myself for anything. I started to question the above. I allowed myself to chill and accept at my own pace. Nobody else’s. I would find relief in breathing, appreciating the wind, trees and flowers, seeing/talking with my daughter and grandsons, and of course, thinking of the ocean.


Here is my conclusion – there is no control. You cannot prepare for things going wrong to ever guarantee they will not. We humans were given a mind and feelings. If feelings are here to guide us then there is NO secondary emotion. They are all valid and must be addressed in order for these feelings to provide the value they were supposed to provide, otherwise we would not have all these feelings. Just like there is a reason for every part of our physical body, so too is there a reason for those pesky intangible things like thoughts, and feelings/emotions. Logical, scientific and now what? What happens now?

I was feeling pretty shaky when I lost my faith in my believees. After all, these are what helped me get out of my cycle of self-destructive behaviours. I started wondering if maybe I was wrong and that maybe I was sick in the head. Maybe I was a diseased addict and needed to go back to meetings. If I was losing touch with my spirituality, where could I find it again?

Here is where I found it – in myself. I have heard multiple times that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond. THIS makes sense. This is how thoughts help with perception of reality.  The reality is that life will happen on its own terms. No matter how loving, compassionate, tolerant, understanding, patient, grateful and kind you are, life will happen and it will not always be your preferred way. No matter how many positive thoughts you think, negative things will happen. Why? Because that is life. You cannot control life. The one thing you can control is your response to it. And in optimal scenarios, learn from it. Lessons learned. Resistance is still futile, but it exists, until it passes – the choice is mine.

I have a mind, feelings and thoughts and I am able to make choices. Because of that I no longer believe that I am powerless or diseased. I have the power to change how I think, not to prevent reality (fear) but to make the most out of reality (love).  I will not always comply with everything because I a human being. I will make mistakes, let myself and other people down. I will not be perfect. I will feel all ranges of emotions and this will not make me sick or diseased. I am alive and life is to be experienced. As a result, I know the following to be true in my experience, that ironically those mistakes previously alluded to, helped me learn:

  1. In order for me to accept that life is good enough, I must also accept that I am good enough. I will continue to do my best and that is enough.
  2. My perception of reality is as valid as anyone else’s – it is time to believe in my own and myself for that matter.
  3. Life is not a dream but an experience, best felt in appreciation, but with the understanding that when it is not fun, this too passes, like waves.
  4. Experts can make mistakes too. Mistakes lead to learning. Learning leads to more awareness.
  5. It feels better to love, understand, empathize, tolerate and be compassionate, not because I am told to but because it feels better to me. How I feel matters.
  6. I need to learn to prioritize myself, listen to myself, my mind and body.
  7. I also need to learn to chill and relax. Finding balance in my life has become a goal.
  8. Regardless of how some people preach and apply spiritual principles (sometimes using blanket statements and intolerance when their rules are not followed) I still believe in spiritual principles. My mind is open.
  9. Thoughts create your perception of reality, life creates reality with all of us being players in it.
  10. I still love life and believe that life does love me.

I feel relieved having written this. The waters feel calm, still, more at peace somewhat. I understand that changes in my life are required, but I think I am in good shape to change what I can and I accept that which I cannot. My new found belief in myself feels good enough for today. Just the way I am. I will still talk to my mom and loved ones that have passed, because my perception of reality is that they are here in spirit and that makes me feel better. Regardless of what the experts say. After all of the recent events, I still feel hope and appreciation for life. I am happy about that. It means that all those feelings had a purpose and brought me to where I am at this moment. So seize the day, make the most of what you have. Relax – nothing is under control.

The circle of life

It is Mother’s Day weekend. My mother passed away not too long ago, so this weekend is bittersweet. I am remembering my mother, of course, with love. She is in my heart. My first experience with losing a parent. This week, my daughter was informed that her father had passed away unexpectedly and she was the one who had to inform me of this news. As a mother, my heart breaks for my daughter. As someone I loved deeply, my heart is also saddened because the love that we shared, lives on in my daughter. Having made our amends, we had remained friends and shared in the joys of being grandparents. We are told death is part of life that the people who pass are happier and no longer suffer. This is supposed to help us feel better. It seems that sadness and all that goes along with grieving the loss of a loved one is supposed to go away because this is life and they are in a better place.


Today would have been his 45th birthday. He was very young to have passed away. Of course, that is my belief. We are “supposed to” live a certain minimum time, otherwise, I do not understand. Life is funny. I see there are no rules. Nothing is guaranteed and there is no threshold with respect to the number of years we have. I have so many feelings that are all welled up inside. As they come up, I find myself dissecting them as either appropriate, inappropriate, questioning whether these thoughts and feelings serve me. I think this is indicative of desperately wanting to be in control and to feel the way I am “supposed to”. Then I question: Who decides what is “supposed to” be appropriate and correct?

On another note I am so touched by his family in Portugal who have been son kind and keeping in touch with Jade and myself. Ironically we are now keeping in touch after all these years. My mother had such grace and love and I am hoping I learned from her to apply to this situation. It appears we learn a lot from people, and usually in hindsight, or too late to be able to apply the lesson learned with the people who taught us the lesson.

Crazy stupid love

Our relationship was complicated. I have heard the best ones usually are. I do not know that for certain. However, as I reflect on our past I remember the good times, the more difficult times and the gift that is our daughter. We were so young when we met. I was getting over a heartbreak. I had been in love with an older man, my teacher in college. When I met Natalino, I was with a friend at a bar. I sitting at the bar, and he appeared from the door at the top of the stairs. He lowered his sunglasses and our eyes met. He had the most beautiful eyes, contagious smile and laugh. He kept that until the day he passed. That evening he bought me a rose after playing a round of pool, where he cleared the table in one turn. We were together pretty much all the time after that. However, I was rebounding, he had a jealous streak, we both had anger in us and coupled with chemistry and passion, was a lot of fighting. He called me cold, I called him controlling. But were crazy about each other, loved going to the “Mountain” we loved the outdoors, we loved each other but we could also hate each other. There is a fine line between love and hate. When he broke up with me, I felt lost, abandoned and devastated. I did not deal with it well. I did everything I could to get him back. He was the love of my life then.

The father

After a couple of years, we did reunite and not long after, I got pregnant. It was a surprise. He was overjoyed and even though we were young, unprepared, no education or career to speak of, I knew I was going to keep this baby. Our daughter Jade. My mother was so supportive. Those were the best times. He was a really good dad. One of my favorite memories is when he was being a clown, dancing and making funny faces while we were changing her. It was the first time she belly laughed. A real heartfelt laugh out loud baby laugh. I still hear her laugh, I still see his clown act. I will never forget. His aunt, a wonderful woman with great energy and a kind soul would take care of Jade when we worked. She has children too, they were amazing. All was well with our little family, except the moments when things were not.

Things happen in life, we make choices and we ended up separating when Jade was 3 years old. He moved out, and I would bring Jade to her dad’s every weekend. She adored him. By all accounts, from his aunt, he was the happiest on weekends when he was with Jade.


Then, mistakes caught up to us and he went away for a while. Consequences of bad decisions. I moved on with my life and did what I could to take care of Jade. He did what he had to do as well to get his life back in order.

He did exactly that. He became a counsellor at Portage, a drug rehabilitation centre and became a guidance counsellor to younger adults and teens. He dedicated his life to that. He did not brag about what he had succeeded in doing or how many people he helped. In fact, much of him remains a mystery to me, even today. Upon having to announce his passing to family and friends, I discovered many, many people telling me how he had saved their life. How much he helped and inspired people. How he had given so much of his time to guide young souls who are now happy healthy functioning adults today. These are the things not everyone knows. These are the things I could not allow myself to believe.  You see I had visited him in Portage with Jade while he was there, and I was full of judgement and refused to believe he could be well again. I found it easier to keep the anger and resentment, than to forgive because it had taken me so long to put him out of my heart that I did not want to allow anything to crack that wall. I desperately wanted to feel indifference and worked very hard at getting there. Lesson learned – judgement – don, t judge a man by his past, appearance, or how about do not judge another at all?

Life goes on

I was a hypocrite, I had my issues with substances too but felt I was functional responsible, having raised my daughter gone back to school and made a career for myself and Jade. Denial, is not just a river in Egypt.

I remember a time in 2005, when I was engaged to be married and he reached out to us. That had me spiralling. You see, the truth was, it affected me. Here I was about to be married and one phone call from him and I was upside down. I only ever told one person, my best friend at the time. She advised me to really think about getting married if this is how I felt. I blamed it on the alcohol that I had consumed at my bachelorette party and denied I felt anything at all. I was determined to get married and provide a stable family life for my daughter. I got married in 2005 and was separated in 2009.

Forgiveness and love

When I decided to clean up my act in 2011, I reached out to him to make amends for my part in our past. He was generous and forgave me. He even helped me with books, guidance and an ear to listen. I really wanted him and Jade to reconnect and that happened. She had always adored her dad and I knew he adored her, but where there is guilt, there is difficulty letting it go. I think that is why he kept his distance from us during those years when he was getting his life back and making such a huge difference in those lives he touched. Jade knows that and so do I, now.

In the last few years, they talked and saw each other. He attended her birthday party, we went to a New Year’s Eve party together and he spent some time with his grandson Aidan. Aidan loved him immediately. He never really talked about his health issues. He lost a leg due to DVT and then more recently lost the second one. He was always so upbeat and optimistic when we saw him. I thought how brave and strong he was. I wondered how he could go through that. He kept that to himself. When he would share just enough information to explain why he was away for long periods of time, he would always say not to worry, that he would be fine. He even said he understood how busy we were and not to go see him. There is my regret. He would say not to bother. Well I regret and feel guilt about that.

More recently his health issues were severe and he spent some time in intensive care due to unknown infections of the skin. One phone call I remember is he said how sorry he was about everything that happened. I just sat there and wondered why, because I thought we had put that in the past and made peace. I told him I bore no ill will or harboured no resentment about any of it. I told him we were good, all was well with us. The past was the past. Done. He thanked me. In my opinion, he never truly forgave himself for certain things and guilt can really harm a person. It is one thing to become aware of a mistake and try to change it. But it is quite another to have changed for the better and still hold on to that guilt.  He would often tell me he loved me, but I always figured it was out of respect as the mother of his child. I could not allow myself to believe or feel different. Therefore I could not say it back out loud. That is the last time we spoke. Recently he did post some pictures if himself after being released from intensive care – Ho quoted “life is not a struggle it’s a process” and said even after going through all that he had, he would keep smiling. A man who had lost both legs and had skin grafts.

That is character. That is strength. That is hope. That is spirit. That is embracing life. That is love. That is a man. I am humbled.

In loving memory

It is therapeutic for me to selfishly write a memoir about Jade’s father. I want to put something out there that reveals that while he was a private person, he was passionate for life and so optimistic. How much he helped other and never spoke about it. I choose to recall the love we shared, the laughs, the talks, the passion, the joy, the wonderful father he was to Jade when given the chance, by himself and by us. I want that to be his memory. He is proof that your past does not define you. He did succeed in learning and growing from his mistakes. I want to do him justice and refuse to allow people to remember him based on how he was when he was in his early twenties. Nobody is perfect. I certainly had my flaws. He was not the same man. Hell no. He was a grown, mature, kind and gentle spirit but so strong. He not only got his life together. He did more than that, he gave back. He gave time and energy and hope and required nothing in return. Nothing. He never asked for anything.  He never spoke of himself. He was a strong man, an optimistic, kind, loving, brave man. This is what I want to leave as his legacy. His generous loving spirit. He taught people about faith and helped people reconnect to their spirit. There is no price for that. These are priceless gifts he gave people. You cannot buy that. That is who Natalino Duarte truly was. Any outward appearance to the contrary is but an illusion. I want to thank the people who have reached out and told us of how much Natalino meant to them, even the man from the online chess club, who never met him in person but told me there were hundreds of people online who were inspired by him. He was hoping to come to Montreal one day to meet him. More revelations that I was not aware of. I hope Jade can see now how much he did love her. In his own way.

Going forward

I like to imagine that he is with my mom because she always saw the best in him. He respected and loved her too. I hope they have connected wherever they are and are watching over Jade, Aidan and William. He never got to meet William but he surely sees him now. That is what I like to believe. Hopefully he will find a way to help sooth Jade’s grief and maybe she will find some peace in talking with him. I am sure he can hear. He believed in the afterlife. I imagine that he can “speak” to her now. He lives on through Jade, Aidan and William. As does my mother. I will keep that in mind this weekend. I will go visit my mother’s urn and leave her a Mother’s Day gift. Today, I will help Jade plan her father’s funeral. On her father’s birthday. I hope to be able to be the mother Jade needs me to be. It is mother’s day weekend after all and she is one beautiful, loving, and inspiring mom. She deserves to be happy. She is my heart and I know hers is breaking. I hope I can help her fix it. I will do my best to channel all the good that was my mother.

This is the circle of life. My uncle gave me this piece of advice when my mom passed away. I need that now. I need to be able to help my daughter. I heard once that when we agreed to come here, we knew this would be the case. Just once we get here, we seem to forget that. It is part of being human I suppose. The thrill of life, inevitably ends with death. Lesson learned- enjoy life while you can; tomorrow is not guaranteed.

I believe that guilt can kill someone and we need to be aware but not beat up on ourselves so much for our past mistakes. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Feel the love, accept the fearful feelings but challenge them with love. Break down the walls and set up healthy boundaries. Believe we are good enough. It is okay to be okay with who we are. Let go of resentment and judgement.And most of all just love. I will do my best to practice these lessons in my life.

On that note, I wish all the mom’s out there Happy Mother’s day, whether you are a biological, adoptive or step mom. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with love, peace, hope, serenity and joy. Happy Mother’s Day Jade and mommy. I love you.




Doing what I love

I was thinking about a quote, by Marsha Sinetar, that I had read “Do what you love and the money will follow.”  This is because I made it through my week, having done what I am supposed to do, work, work out, take care of myself, spend time with family and write. I feel uninspired by work. The things I love doing, I feel I do not do enough. The things that take up most of my time, such as work, challenge my ability to do things that I love. I am not alone in this situation, I know this. I also know that I have a career that is from many viewpoints, good, and I am thankful for the job I have. I also realize that I call it a job and that might even be a problem. I am also very aware that I am not comfortable saying that I love what I do. On the other hand, I am readily able to identify aspects of my work that I do enjoy. If I look at other jobs out there, I am well paid, if that conclusion is based on averages and median income in my country. All of this has me reflecting on how do I do what I love and believe the money will follow?

In the same vein, Alan Watts is quoted as saying “And uh, forget the money. Because, if you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life wasting your time. You will be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is, in order to do things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of things you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.” This gives me pause. I cannot forget the money. I am sure many people can’t. Is that the problem? People, or in this case, I am too focused on money? I live a relatively simple life. However I do like to help my family as much as possible. I do have basic necessities that need to be paid for, with money. I am finding it difficult to “forget about money”. Case in point, I love to travel. This requires money. Money is not the most important thing, I have always known this. Travel is not a necessity either, but I simply cannot forget about money when money helps feed my little ones, including myself. The article about Alan Watts goes on to say that we should identify what we desire.

What do I desire?

This is simple, I desire a life where I am free to work my own hours. I am not afraid of work, quite the opposite actually. However I like flexibility and freedom to work from home when possible, and take time to work out during the day. I can always get back to the work, afterwards. I would like the freedom to spend time with my little ones on a weekday, if that is what I am inspired to do on any given day. I would also like to be able to write, and not have to schedule this on weekend mornings. I love learning too, however taking courses, takes time. Time my current work does not allow me to take. Taking courses also costs money. I think I can even find courses that are free, however in general taking courses to get really knowledgeable about a subject usually requires money. Even as I am writing this, there is a little voice inside of me saying, “I would love to work for myself”. I know this is how I truly feel. Then the question: Doing what? Writing? Photography? Or both? When I travelled to other countries, I met people and learned about their cultures, some were quite similar, while others were very different. I enjoyed each and every one of those experiences. Those experiences have taught me there is much more to this world and life than what we are told by the media. Travel is an education in itself. Learning about other people and cultures has taught me that we are more similar than different. Many differences are superficial in nature. I love people, I love nature and the ocean and lakes of this planet in general. I love beaches, not only tropical ones, but the wild ones, like those in Ireland. I love boats and would love to learn to sail. Sailboats represent freedom to me, as do the ocean and wild beaches. It is fun to think about what I love. I wonder if people do this. I am seeing the benefit in spending time thinking about what I love instead of thinking about things that worry me.

Challenging the status quo

I think I have some beliefs that are fear or doubt based. The things I love doing the most, are not what most would call a possibility. Writing and photography are generally fields that I hear are difficult to enter into and be successful. I guess I believe this and my own beliefs could be part of the issue at the moment. Maybe it is time for me to reflect on my beliefs or challenge them, even change them.

I recall years ago when I decided to return to school. I was a single mom and I wanted to get a law degree. I wanted to go to McGill. All of these goals were considered difficult, but I went after this anyways, despite the people that told me how hard it would be and how many people failed at McGill, especially since I was working and raising a child.

Steve Jobs is quoted as saying “I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

I can relate to this quote. Since my mother has passed, I give a lot of thought to how I want to live the rest of my life. I know I need to change something. I have already changed some aspects of my life, but I know I need to do more. Realizing that is 50% of the solution, or so I have been told. The next step is finding that determination and drive to change what I feel needs to be changed. I also have enough self-confidence to realize there are a few fields in which I could provide services and add value.


I do not know the answer to this question. All I know is I need to change something. I need to decide what I want to do and go for it, the same way I did when I decided to become a Chartered Accountant. This time, I am motivated by finding what I love to do instead of what I think I should be doing. I believe anything is possible, especially if I get out of my own way.

I wonder how many people feel this way. Do they even realize they do? It is pretty uncomfortable to feel this way. Not knowing the how, just knowing something needs to change.

In my experience, the “big picture how” did not matter when I made decisions that others found risky. I just took a first step and focused on that step and the other steps followed in due course. Each step I faced with determination and perseverance. I suppose I can also use the analogy of the body. There came a time when I realized I had not taken care of myself to the best of my ability. I decided to change that. I know many people say that it is hard and that the goal I have cannot be reached easily. I do not care. I just know what steps I need to take today and in the near future. I know that. If I keep doing that, the rest will follow.

I suppose that I should heed my own advice. What do I want to change? Define what I really want to do and identify a small step towards reaching that goal. The next step will appear and I can face it when it does. Life, in hindsight has always been this way for me. I can also stop reading quotes that are blanket statements without context. Maybe it is time for me to trust in my own ideas and come up with my own quotes, instead of looking to others that are quoted. It is odd that they are all people who state these things once they are perceived as successful. What I would love to know is how they were thinking before, when they first got started. Now that would be interesting.

As Confucius says “It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”

On that note, I will keep reflecting, writing and doing what I love as much as I can. The answer to how to work for myself doing what I love will come. All I need to do is take a first step. For today, that is the realization that something needs to change and accepting that. It is humbling to admit on paper that you do not have all the answers. I am happy about my ability to be honest with myself and to accept the discomfort. It also means accepting that more will be revealed, as long as I make doing what I love my new goal. Accepting that I do not know all the answers is also required. I think I can be alright with that for today. There is much to be thankful for and appreciate. I am looking at my little one sleeping next to me as I write. I see that I am doing and experiencing something I love right now. I hope everyone can find that.


In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It goes on. – Robert Frost

Keeping my promises to myself is a top priority for me. With that in mind, I am sitting with my coffee this morning and taking the time to reflect on this week and write something about it. It is ironic that 4 months ago, I had made an appointment for my hair with the artist Robbie. I did not know then what today would be. He did an amazing job and we reflected that the timing was……….odd but perfect.

I have a busy day ahead of me. Today is my mom’s service. I will be attending of course. I will be seeing a lot of family and old friends. I was told I will be feeling all sorts of emotions. I was asked if I wanted to speak. I have chosen to do so, however, I am not quite sure what I will say. I would like to be able to write something down and have that something to rely on, when the time comes. There is so much I could say about my mom. If I think about this week past, as challenging as it was, I think I did alright, because I believe she was with me. In some form, like a force, almost as if her love is still here and she is somehow guiding me. Looking back at this week, I am coming to realize that things did kind of work out for me in all areas – work, family, friends, and new decisions and my general mental health. My brother had told me that he “was doing his best to go by what he thought mom would want to see from him.” I think that is a good idea and tried to apply it this week. What would my mom want from me? I have come up with the following concepts.

Appreciate what I have 

Work – I have a new appreciation for the people I work for. I was told to take the time I needed for myself. I kept saying that there were deadlines to meet and that I would do my best to meet them. To this, my senior manager replied, “The priority right now is you. I will take care of any emergencies, if there are any.” I felt relieved. I had spent Sunday with family and I did feel sick at the prospect of going to work on Monday. My daughter had said to me on Sunday evening “If I find out you went to work on Monday, I will be very angry.” Well, I can say that I did not go back until Thursday. I was given three days for myself. Had I needed more, the message was clear, that it would have been perfectly fine. My mom would be happy, I think. She always told me to take care of myself. I had felt guilty in the past, doing that. This week I did not feel guilt about taking time off and taking care of me. I think my mom helped me there. At least I like to believe that. It feels reassuring.

My colleagues had all sent me nice, touching emails. I thanked them for that. When I did go back to work on Thursday, people were really nice, as usual, but I got the sense that they were letting me be. Or maybe I was just letting myself be and so they did too? I am not sure, but on Friday, I did find myself enjoying the meetings I had with my team and I did laugh. I did pretty well on Friday I think. I am also looking forward to next week, to some degree, when I felt only dread a few days before. I have a busy month ahead, but I feel better about my ability to face whatever comes. There is a little spring of hope somewhere. I appreciate that.

Friends – Through all of this, my friends have been very nice. I am a big fan of personal space. I am not a chatty phone person. I am not very good at keeping in touch with people either. Despite this, my friends all sent me warm wishes and wrote me nice emails offering to be there for me in whatever way I needed. I have made a decision to keep in touch with my friends, or at least try and do a better job going forward. A lesson learned has been to stop taking things for granted. Even the little things. Just stop. Whether it be a smile, twinkle in the eye, laughter, note, text, whatever it is, I think I can take time to appreciate these things and pay them forward, i.e. let them know. More on that in decisions.

Unconditional love – at least try.

Family – there are no words to adequately express how much I love my family. I saw them as much as possible this week. We all grieve in different ways and I respect that. I dislike using the term “step” so from this moment forward, I will stop. On Saturday, I had spoken to my second dad and he sounded better. He said he had spoken to mom and he felt she was with him. This reassured him. My heart filled with joy at the thought of that. He was spending the evening with one of my sisters and his three granddaughters. My brothers were also doing alright. They were surrounded by “their people”. On Sunday I spent the afternoon with my two of my sisters and second dad. We talked, and for a while, we laughed at some things. Then we had dinner. It became clear that Sunday was not as good, but through talking and being together, I think it was bearable, or at least better than being alone.

I had offered to help my brother with any preparations for the service and he declined. But he did ask me for help with the photographs we were to obtain in memory of mom, for her service. We did that on Tuesday. My brother, niece and second dad had dinner together. I had made a fresh meat sauce. My mom’s recipe. I remember going to the market that day, because I never have the time to do that when I work. I asked her to help me make the sauce, so that I tasted good. Maybe not exactly like hers, because she was such a wonderful cook, but good enough. It was a hit. The smell brought tears to our eyes and we ate together. My second dad opened a bottle of wine I had given him about 20 years ago. Then we sifted through hundreds of pictures, to find the ones that would honour the woman who had been a wonderful woman, sister, friend, wife, mother, wife, grandmother and great grandmother.

I was impressed at my second dad’s ability to go through these pictures with us. There was a price to pay for that though – emotions. Sadness and tears flowed. Regrets, guilt, and for me, that rage started to well up again. But together, we did it. Talked and expressed it. Wednesday, I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally. My brother put it all together and did an amazing job. Thank you to my brother for all that he did this week, in addition to forgiving me for a being a bitch for a moment when I could not find one of the pictures I liked. Not what mom would have liked from me and I quickly realized that and apologized.

Take care of me – she always told me to do that.

Decisions – Saturday, as stated before was a decent day. I was certain that my mom was taking charge, wherever she is. I had the sense that she had been busy because my family seemed better than the day before. For me personally, Saturday I made three decisions:

  1. Take care of myself
  2. Release my anger and rage, feel my emotions
  3. Set goals and stick to them, no negotiations, no matter what.
  1. Take care of me:
  • Saturday, I decided to go get my nails and eyebrows done. That may sound like nothing and even vain, but my mom always loved when I did that. She loved it for herself too. I had let all that go, for quite a while. I was a mess so to speak. I did not know where to go, so I found a place close to my house called “Clin d’oeil”. This means wink in English. My mom’s eyes were all we had left to communicate with at the end. Her winks were our confirmation she was with us and knew who we were. The fact that I found a place called Wink, to me, is a direct message from mom. Thank you for that.
  • I also contacted that friend of mine who is a trainer now. I asked for an appointment. She responded almost immediately. I was hoping to start ASAP, i.e. Monday, and was hoping this would be possible. It turns out that it was. On Monday she asked me if I could be there at 6:15 pm. I went. She is an amazing trainer. She is also tough as nails. They have an expression there “You have been Claudia-ed”. Yes, indeed I was on that day.
  • I also took 3 days off work to give myself time to feel, rest, be with family and just be.
  1. Release my anger and rage – feel my emotions
  • I found myself alone in my car about to drive on a long stretch of highway. I blasted music and let out several loud screams. Release. I did not speed. I did not have road rage. I did let it out, alone in my car. No harm done to anyone.
  • On Sunday evening, a full old dish set that I no longer like got the message. I recall a time when I was young, we were all sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner. Something happened to set my mom off. She calmly picked up her plate, turned to the side. I thought she was going to get up and walk away from the table, but she just smashed that plate on the floor. I know my mom had character and I love that about her. On Sunday evening, I did the same. I smashed every plate, side plate and bowl of that set, on the floor. Nobody was hurt. It had to come out. The dishes got it and it felt really, really, good. I think maybe mom would approve.
  • My dad flew in Friday, from Vancouver. We had a bite together at the hotel. When I was leaving he said “Let your emotions run, but do not let them ruin you.” Wise words to keep in mind, especially when it comes to anger and rage. In other words “Control your emotions or they will control you.”
  1. Non-negotiable goals:
  • I cut down my smoking to less than 15 per day. I plan to bring it down even more and eventually release this habit that does not serve me.
  • I will keep in touch with those who matter to me more. I will do my best not to take them for granted. I will surround myself with “my people.”
  • I trained 3 times this week. I went on Monday, my day off, I left work on my first day back at work to go train, under the guise of an “appointment” and I arrived late on Friday, under the guise of “something I had to take care of”, i.e. Me. I will continue to do so, 3 days per week, at a minimum. With my friend, and trainer, that is the best decision I have made in a long time. The third day, Friday, after a difficult exercise, I did not feel strong at all. She looked at me and said, “It is fine, you are here and you are doing it.” I just stared back at those eyes of hers and admitted out loud “I don’t feel very strong right now,” and started to cry, release, again. She told me she had been waiting for that moment for three days. Anger and rage may be normal but I needed to release it and fuel it into something good for me. She told me that my decision was going to be the best therapy. Training, she explained, was beneficial not only for the body but also the mind and the spirit. She told me, “you might go down, but you get right back up and keep trying.”

My mom did that. The cancer and dementia may have gotten her down, but the love, well that kept coming back up, through her eyes. Words to live by and perhaps another message from my mom. Thank you mom for allowing all of that to be possible. I see that I did have a decent week. I really did, despite feeling lost, sad and angry. I know I have a dark side and I accept that part of me, but I have decided to do is let that out in the healthiest way I can. I also choose to see all the wonderful things in my life now. My mom always told me how proud she was of me, that I did not give myself enough credit. Last night, when I got home, exhausted, I said out loud “You did a good job today.” I think my mom would approve.

So life goes one. True. But it goes on even better with my mom in my heart.

So on that note, I will now focus on writing something about my mom, to speak at her service. I feel ready to do that now. I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend, doing something they love, for themselves, or for someone else. Any act of love or small kindness has a ripple effect that can turn into waves. Trust me, I am seeing it happen.




When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. – Anonymous

I made a promise to myself to write every week. This was for me to explore my creativity and share it in a safe place. I came to realize Saturday mornings were the best for me to reflect and write. Today, the only thing I have on my mind is my mom. She passed away March 30 2017. I am not sure I am able to reflect and come to any insight really, because I am feeling quite lost, despite having been prepared for her passing. Last week I was able to reflect on the feelings of sadness and anger. That was so therapeutic for me and if it helped one person, I am thankful. Today, all I can think of is my mom and how to grieve in such a way that would honour her memory. To allow all the feelings that well up to come out and be released.

Stages of grief

I looked up the stages of grief. The article states that we do not necessarily go through these stages in order, so it is not a checklist. There seem to five stages and they are as follows:

  1. Denial and Isolation – Denial is how I dealt with the knowledge that my mom was diagnosed with bone cancer and then dementia/Alzheimer’s (I still believe that doctor’s do their very best but they have no real clue as to what the fuck it was, but that is not the point, and better related to anger). I actually wrote about that week. I was an expert at denial. Why feel sadness when my mom was so tough and strong. Look at the positive, blah blah blah. I think I made it through the denial stage. Rationalize and deny the reality of the situation – i.e. focusing only on my mom’s ability to smile, wink and kiss her loving husband back, despite her conditions. As for isolation, I am also starting to see that perhaps I may have isolated myself from many people. I am comfortable being alone so I may be isolating, but with family and work I do not feel isolated for the moment. What I feel is lost because I can no longer see my mother. I cannot visit her anymore. I became accustomed to her not speaking, because she stopped a while ago. But I was able to communicate by looking into her eyes, I saw her eyes speak, she would smile and wink on purpose. Her beautiful eyes could talk in health and sickness. I took it for granted my whole life until it was all I had left. Her expressions of displeasure annoyed me when I was younger. Honestly, I feel like a little girl and would give everything just to see her level me with one of her looks that she would give me when she was not thrilled, or one more wink. The last time I saw that was 8 days ago, she gave me such a beautiful smile and her eyes were so expressive.
  2. Anger – I also wrote about anger last week. I am comfortable with anger now. I may have gone through anger, but it comes back. Likes waves in an ocean, some are calm but there are times when I feel tidal waves of anger. This morning was one of those times. So I punched the hell out of my sofa cushion. It does feel good. It feels like release. I hope my sofa does not take it personally. I do love my blue couch. I really do, it brings me comfort, but it is also a great punching bag at the moment and makes the perfect amount of noise when I punch it. As the article mentions, some people get angry at the doctors, other people, inanimate objects (me). Apparently there is no time limit on grief and no right or wrong way to do it. My anger is my responsibility and I do my best to do no harm (except to my sofa cushion). I am thinking maybe I will contact a friend of mine who is a personal trainer. It has been in the back of my mind now for a while. Maybe I can vent this anger into a workout and release it in a way that will benefit me. I still believe in the breaking plates plan. The pieces will make a great collage to. It appears I have an adequate plan for anger.
  3. Bargaining – Also closely related and can lead to guilt. I witnessed my Mom’s loving husband go through this. If only he had done this, if only he had done that. Why did he place her in a home? In her mental state she believed things that were so painful for her and they were untrue. Alzheimer’s, what an evil disease. The whole family, and there are a boatload of us, have all tried to explain to him that guilt is futile and he has nothing to feel guilty about. The love I saw between my mom and him has literally shown me what unconditional love truly is. There is a price for that. Extreme pain and sadness when you lose that person. It was absolutely beautiful, but also heart wrenching to watch him with her. He has lost the love of his life. My daughter feels guilty about not visiting more, not expressing her love and appreciation more. However she did go visit with her 6 month old son, William. My mother did get to see him before she passed. The timing was perfect. My mother was aware they were there. There is nothing worse than feeling guilt about something that you cannot change but in addition, my mom now is in a place where she knows the truth.

On Thursday, I tried to bargain with the Universe. It was clear that my mom did not have much time left. My brother came back from his vacation early and I knew the signs were there. At work, I had proposed that I work at the office on Thursday morning and then leave to be with my mom. They accepted that. Thursday morning I was a mess. I was crying and needed to keep myself together to be as professional as possible. Until noon. I begged the Universe for help in this regard and to allow me to be there with her when she passed. She brought me into this world so I really wanted to see her through this. Then I talked to my mom. I recalled how she would tell me, I am there with you today, and I dedicate my day to you. We did that back then, through phone calls and conversations. So I said, I will get through this morning with you in mind, I am strong, I can do this and then to the Universe, please help me do this. It went exactly as planned.

I got the afternoon off and went to visit my mom. I discovered that we were allowed to spend the night. So I said, “I am not leaving here until she does.”

  1. Depression – According to the article, there are two types of depression, a reaction to the loss and feelings of sadness and regret. The second is more subtle as we prepare to say goodbye. Well, I am not sure I want to be depressed, so I may resist that. But I do feel sadness. As for regret, I will venture to say that I may regret many things about not appreciating my mother more, and not spending more time with her, but I did have a chance to talk to her about all that while she was healthy. I made amends to my mother to the best of my ability. We had a loving relationship in my older adult years. However, I did get to talk to her, alone, on Thursday evening. I told her that I should have gone to visit her in that home more often. We learn the lesson after it is too late, despite seeing everyone go through it for themselves. It seems to be a lesson learned the hard way. I told her I was sorry. I am at peace with that. I reminded her that she showed me unconditional love and I learned that from her. She was unconditional love at her core.

In preparing to say goodbye, we all gathered with her on Thursday. Her husband was there, as I was. At one point we thought she was leaving us. I watched him say the words “It is time to rest, you can go. Go see your parents, my parents and the angels. I wish I could go on this voyage with you, but save a place for me by your side. When I get there we can watch over all our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.” It was a beautiful thing to watch. He laid with her and I caressed her forehead as she did for me when I was little.  We kissed her and showered her with as much love as we could. But she appeared to be fighting it. So we called my brother’s and they came, as did my step sister and her three daughters. We were all there, and thought that she was waiting for her family to be there. We were ready to say goodbye. She was not. Not yet.

The night before, my brother had spent the night with her. Since I was also spending the night, the whole family advised him to get some rest. That she would not be alone, I would be there. I promised I would call if anything happened. We all believed she would make it through the night and they left. I stayed with my mom. I told her we would have a sleepover. She always wanted me to sleep at their place. She often offered me to take a nap so she could cuddle me with blankets. I always refused. But on this day, I would stay and sleep with her. You would think that this lead to acceptance. But like the article says, these stages are not in order, nor a checklist.

  1. Acceptance- This stage is more difficult for people who must deal with sudden death. That is not our situation and for that I am thankful. I realize today that acceptance was also her own acceptance and is ours to deal with now. Terminally ill, I sense that she had some power in when she was going to leave. She resisted the whole afternoon and evening. They gave her what they do to try and calm her down. She seemed to be resisting. In her state, I am amazed she stayed with us for the time she did with those substances given to help with pain and to help calm her.

After everyone left, I laid with her and told her everything I had to say. I cuddled up to her. I massaged her hands and feet and put cream on her skin because the nurses said she liked that. I sang her the lullaby she sang to me as a child. I told her when she was ready, all would be well. I was with her and would not leave her. I thanked her for being the best mom for me. Then I started to realize she was in pain. The nurses came and moved her. It helped. But I did not like her breathing. I mentioned this to them and one nurse came to say goodnight to my mom. She loved her too. Then she explained to me how this breathing (more like gasping) was part of the process. Because I had promised to alert my family about any changes, I asked what signs I should look for. She explained that when there are long pauses between breathes, this is usually a sign. I thanked her for being so nice. I counted my mom’s breathe per minute. I was relieved when they were less intense. 33, 24, 17, then came the first pause. Then the realization that I was being given the sign. I contacted everyone, but in those final moments, her eyes were open and she was breathing calm breathes with longer pauses between them. I witnessed her final breathe, like a long sigh. My mom had passed. I was with her when she did, just as I had prayed for. She was released from here and is at peace where she is. I need to believe that. I need to believe that her spirit/soul is with us, around us. It is not too scientific but I need that to be true.

Leaving that room was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. While I was very much aware that she was going to pass and I am relieved she is no longer suffering and is in a better place, I did not plan on how to deal with never seeing her again. Ironically, accepting my feelings, her conditions and imminent passing took all the focus off this step. Praying for her well-being and release, I forgot to plan for dealing with this reality, no more visits, no more eyes, no more smiles, and no more mommy to see.


My mother was a woman with grace. She poured her heart and soul into everything. She gave her loved ones everything she had. She has taught me many things in life. She will live on in our hearts and I hope to be able to feel her around me. As for today, right now, I feel a bit calmer after writing this. There is a delicate balance between remembering the good times and breaking down crying as a result. Sometimes I can smile, while at other times, I feel completely lost. I will ask for grace. The Universe gave us beautiful moments this week and for that I am grateful.

Hopefully I will be able to write about happier, or funnier subjects in the weeks to come. Today, this is what I am capable of. So on that, appreciate loved ones while they are here. If they are no longer here, I feel for you. After writing all of this, I have come to the conclusion that there is no magic insight on losing a loved one. It is part of life. The greatest love will bring the greatest pain. The greatest life will end in death. The most beautiful ocean can be the fiercest, and can knock the life right out of you. But I still choose to love my mom, life and the ocean. To experience the one means you must accept to experience the other.

Seashells come to mind;  they are a memory of life once lived. To me seashells are treasures as the memories of mom will be, even if they cause waves of tears to come.  I love waves too.


The best way out is always through – Robert Frost.

This week was not the happiest one I have experienced. This week was not easy, in fact it was sad, difficult, and there was a lot of resistance from my part. Some of the beliefs I hold were questioned, in depth. My mom has Alzheimer’s and cancer. In the last week or so, my mom’s condition started to deteriorate and she started to suffer from pain. I came to the realization that, while logically I understood this was the next stage, my feelings were not at all up to speed with this reality. The rational logical mind and heart were not aligned. However, there is one element of my week that I think has some benefit; I became comfortable with feeling sadness and anger. There is no way out of sadness and anger, but to go through them. And that is the road not taken? (Robert Frost – pun totally intended)

The Dos and Don’ts lists

As children, we are taught, by our parents, or in school that we can manage sadness and anger. There are several wonderful articles out there and they basically all come down to a checklist of things adults can do to help their children. There are articles for adults on how to manage and cope with anger. Beautiful. Having read them myself, I cannot say that any of the suggestions are inadequate. The implied message is that sadness and anger are to be fixed, managed into exile, to be happy again. What we are taught as children and adults is to go through situations and manage the “negative” feelings with the goal of fixing them or making them go away.

As children we are allowed to pretend, it is even suggested as a form of managing feelings. As adults, we are no longer allowed to play make believe, unless it is to pretend we are happy. At work, it is unprofessional to be anything but happy, focused, driven individuals. At work it is perfectly fine to pretend to be happy, and perfectly fine to schedule any feeling considered negative to be felt outside of work hours. Horseshit. Is this really healthy? Is this really how life works? Can feelings be managed?  In my experience at work this week, I could sense people were surprised that I was sad, because according to the timeline, my mom’s condition was to be expected, therefore not a surprise, could not be changed, so why was I sad?

There is one thing that none of these lists state in black and white – regardless of all these healthy ways of acknowledging, empathising, expressing and processing these feelings, these feelings are not a company that you can manage according to a schedule and there is no guarantee the feelings will go away, even if you breathe, make a gratitude list, and talk to someone who genuinely cares about you. Thank you to my aunt, bothers, daughter, friends and my dads (yes, one biological and the other by marriage) for those talks this week. I am thankful for your various forms of wisdom and your ears, which allowed me to express and vent my feelings.

I will add one to the list of DOs – Accept sadness and anger, as I would any of the other feelings on that feeling chart they show children. Do we have lists on how to manage happiness, contentment, hope, optimism, and joy? No, these are the “goal feelings” and anything else must be managed. I have come to realize that we are humans and we are born having this range of feelings to guide us.

“Stay positive, all other choices are pointless punishments to your psyche.” 
― Joe Peterson, Help Me Live… As I Die, Cancer vs. the Power of Love That’s right. If it’s not positive, it’s entirely useless. In the grand scheme of things, it is nothing. It does not do you any good. It shouldn’t even exist.

Whoa – this is dangerous now. I used to believe this. This is one belief I have questioned all week. This is not to say I no longer believe in being positive. No. I still believe Life happens for me not to me. I do. However that blanket quote above is very dangerous without context. Again, what we are teaching adults, and many self-help books to this – with loving intent, is to be positive at all costs. There is a consequence to this, without added context – denial. I should know, I have been an expert in denial. Some spiritual teachers even say it out loud “If it does not make you feel good – ignore it – focus on something else”. Wow. I see how crazy that can be today. There is no way you can be taught how to manage your “negative” feelings as a child, then hit the real world as an adult, look for help, read the above quote and be healthy. No way.

In my personal experience, what brought me to this conclusion, is my mom’s health. You see three years ago, we learned she had bone cancer. In order to keep her quality of life, she refused chemo, having gone through that twice before in her life, and witnessed her own mother go through the same treatment for bone cancer. We respected that decision and she was given an alternative treatment. It appeared to be working. We all focused on love and the present moment. We had a beautiful Christmas that year. Her spirits were high, she was so strong, my mom.

Then Alzheimer’s came along. That was a double whammy. I did not appreciate that for my mother at all. She had been afraid of being called crazy, and now, this condition had taken over.

In order to process my feelings, I did exactly what the spiritual teachers said – stayed positive, focused on the positive. I even found a way to accept Alzheimer’s as a positive thing. To me, Alzheimer’s was better for her than cancer because you lose your memory and you are basically checking out of reality. Ignorance is bliss right? No suffering, right? WRONG!

My beliefs betrayed me. I was very much in the present when I would visit my mother, and was very appreciative of any smile, wink or recognition. I did not focus on the future, or losing her. She was there. I managed the reaction when she did not recognize me because I know very much who she is. Her husband, my step-dad, was exactly the same. The whole family was in that frame of mind. Love was the dominant feeling. It still is. But now, she IS suffering and cancer has decided to progress. No Alzheimer’s can help that. That, to me is unfair to her. She does not deserve both, or any of these conditions at all. That is what hit me this week. I was not happy and I was not feeling positive, I was pretty fucking angry. I think it is insane to tell someone to stay positive in the face of suffering of any kind. To say that Staying positive, all other choices are pointless punishments to your psyche – is not what human psyche is about. I am not a doctor, or psychologist or psychiatrist but I know we came here to face a variety of contrast. We are given a variety of feelings and as a result, not everything will be positive at all times. There are many choices in life and not all of them are positive. Maybe there is nothing positive about watching a loved love suffer. And it is perfectly sane to be angry or sad or a cocktail of feelings about it. Maybe it is positive to the human psyche NOT TO FEAR anger or sadness?

Perhaps a suggestion would be – in the face of a situation, where the human response is to feel angry or sad, accept your feelings before trying to manage them. There it is again – Acceptance.

All the people that helped me this week, what helped the most was that nobody told me how to manage my feelings so I would feel better. The people that helped me did not ask why I felt how I felt. And you know what happened? I felt better as a result. Happy? No, but more comfortable with sadness and anger – to the point that smashing a plate is no longer a reaction, but a healthy release that will turn into an art collage. There is value to anger, in the past it has driven me to get off my ass and achieve something. In this case, there is nothing I can do to change the situation. There is value in crying, it is a release, a healthy one. I release get up and keep going. I was also reminded, I can think of what my mom would do. In that instant, I use my sadness and anger to be a driving force of strength, willing to face anything and get through it with grace. My mom has such grace. I can honour her in that way.

Thoughts create your reality

So here we are, humans that think trillions of thoughts and not all of them positive. We are led to believe in the power of positivity, to the point that we are afraid to feel anything but happy or fine all the time. To do anything else is apparently a punishment to our psyche. Then I was introduced to “thoughts create our reality”. Oh shit! I have had a pretty “not positive” week, with sad and angry thoughts. That means I am creating a sad and angry reality. I do not want to do this.

The Past – Again, an expert at denying my feelings that should be managed into oblivion, I used to numb them. I felt uncomfortable feeling them. I tried every which way possible not to feel anything at all, especially those pesky angry and sad feelings. In the past I used substances. I became reliant on substances to feel better. In the last 5 years or so, I learned new ways to live from a 12 step group. I will be forever grateful to the people I met there. There, I learned about how to live life without using substances to deal with life. I learned about spiritual principals which I apply to the best of my ability in my daily life. However, I also was told I was an addict and I had a disease because I had chosen to use substances in order not to feel.  Every day, I would go and say “I am addict”, I am sick, I have a “disease with no cure”. If thoughts create reality, this is not very good for the mind. It keeps me in sick mode.

The Present – I stopped using substances and my life has improve dramatically. However, ironically, I started to feel much better when I stopped saying those things above. This is another belief I questioned this week – I had doubted that I had a disease and that I was born with it. Today, I no longer believe addiction is a disease and I know that I was not born with any such thing. I created my addiction, I am fully responsible for it, and hence, my reality, through patterns of thought and behaviour. I cannot speak for everyone and nobody fits into a box. This is my personal experience and point of view. Disease? Cancer is a disease, Alzheimer’s is a disease. I would like to see people with Alzheimer’s go to a 12 step group for it and try and change that condition. Nope, it will not change a goddamn thing. However, CHOICES can, will and do change someone with an addition. The cure? Well for one, find another way to cope and stop using substances to make you feel better or escape reality. That is the difference between choices, conditions and dis-ease. If thoughts create reality, and in some sense they do, I think it is ill-advised for me to repeat daily, I have a dis-ease when I do not. What am I telling my mind if I say these things over and over again?

Today, in the face of my mom’s conditions, I am able to cope with the anger and sadness without needing to numb anything at all. I am grateful that I can be there for her, fully present and look in her eyes and tell her I love her. I believe she hears me and knows. Her eyes let me know. What I still have difficulty with is feeling sadness and anger and being ok with that.

The idea that thoughts create your reality is valid – if you complain all the time, you will indeed find more things to complain about. If you think everything is wrong and unfair, you will indeed find more wrong and unfair things. If you keep thinking you are sick- you will indeed feel sick and can even make yourself sick. However, blanket statements such as the one above, require a bit more context – if you THINK feeling anger and sadness is something to avoid, at all costs, in order to stay positive or create a preferred reality – THAT will also impact your reality. The Universe, in all its infinite wisdom, is inclusive – meaning you cannot protest, resist, deny or manage anything into oblivion, includinf feelings. If you do, these things will persist in your reality – ironic I know.

Current reality

This week, I faced that little bit of reality. In trying to be accepting of my mom’s state of health, and staying positive, focused on the now, present moments with her, not thinking of the inevitable future, because we were not there yet, and being a happy professional at work, being strong, thankful for my wonderful family, friends and all that I have and finding the positive aspects in all of that, I forgot one little tiny detail – I forgot to accept how I felt. Accepting the situation as something you cannot change is one thing. Accepting the inevitable death of a loved one is also logical and rational, and something that cannot be changed. However accepting how you feel about it, is not mentioned anywhere in any of the 12 step books, do and don’t lists or in the blanket statement Thoughts create your reality. I would propose that perhaps, feelings affect reality as well. But in order to understand how that works – I need to accept how I feel in addition to accepting the situation before I can manage anything in a healthy way. I did not lash out at the world, or anybody else for that matter, in my anger. I did not try to change how I felt by thinking of something else or something positive. I sat in some discomfort, until the acceptance of my feelings set in. Ironically, in doing so, I felt better, and that was not even the goal. In giving up trying to change, manage, schedule or control my anger and sadness, I ended up feeling better. There is no going around our feelings. We can try to manage them, and schedule them, however, the reality is, that these feelings are there for a reason and my “job” is simply to feel and let them be. There is some comfort in that. Perhaps, just feeling it, without trying to change how I feel is the best way through it all. Perhaps there is no way out, there is only through. I do enjoy Robert Frost.

Here I am out on the other side, wishing everyone a weekend full of happiness, but if you are angry or sad, sit with yourself for a while and just accept how that feels for a moment. The world will not end, and this too shall pass, I promise you. Your smile will feel more real to you as a result. Cheers!